Once again, it is the most human moments on American Horror Story: Coven that really get me. Last night that would be the grueling effects of Fiona‘s terminal cancer and its treatment: vomiting, moaning, writhing in agony. As a new Supreme rises, so must the previous Supreme pass on. “Do me a favor: die before Thanksgiving,” Cordelia snarls at her mother. Actually, pretty much everyone is ready to help Fiona shuffle off this mortal coil. In fact, the Jazz Man is the only person being nice to Fiona. He even offers to take her on vacation for her last month. Where might a long-dead serial killer get a passport?
Cordelia rallies her remaining troops to perform the Sacred Taking, a ritual by which the current Supreme commits suicide to allow the next Supreme to take power. Of course, the identity of the next Supreme is in question…for five seconds until everyone remembers Misty Day can raise people from the grave. Which makes it sort of odd that Misty is so afraid of the gunman who shows up to her cabin. Can’t she just . . . come back to life again? Is there a limit? Once Misty and the newly undead Myrtle take refuge at the Academy, the assembled witches don some truly stunning crimson robes and black veils and start the ritual. Glowing with preternatural health, Madison visits Fiona, gloating over her rebirth and encouraging Fiona to end it all by her own hand rather than be burned at the stake. Myrtle also stops by, taunting her former rival with her resurgence. Since Fiona already had a turban and fur coat lying around, she tries to do the right thing and OD on pain medication.
Now, despite being one of my favorite episodes for the above reasons, the whole “required suicide” left me with a lot of questions. Cordelia seems convinced that Fiona is going to kill whichever girl she suspects of being the next Supreme. However, based on Fiona’s pillow talk with the Jazz Man, she seems more focused on spending time with her lover than murdering baby witchlets. If Fiona did in fact want to murder the next Supreme, wouldn’t she just kill her with her vastly superior magic powers? As we learned tonight, the woman can straight up control people with her mind, even with cancer, hours after she narrowly survives a suicide attempt!
Anyway, the ghost of Spalding shows up and informs Fiona that the coven is trying to buffalo her. Madison is not the next Supreme, he tells her. Misty is. Fiona barfs yet again, then saunters downstairs to face her competition. The fact Misty has no interest in being the Supreme makes no difference to anybody. Fortunately the graphic shooting death of Patti LuPone gives Misty the perfect opportunity to prove her skill. (I know she has a character name, but come on: it’s Patti LuPone.) After giving poor Luke what appears to be a bleach powder enema, Patti LuPone is killed by the silver bullet shot (I’m assuming) by the same gunman who targeted Misty, who of course is probably Hank. Does Probably Hank have the worst aim of all time? It takes Misty approximately 20 seconds to raise Patti from the dead. Despite all this, there ain’t no way Misty is the next Supreme. No way. Not yet. We’re only eight episodes in! I’m still Team Nan. I’m even more certain after tonight than I was before.
The next day, everything is pretty much back to normal at Miss Robichaux’s. The fact Fiona did in fact murder her predecessor, kill Madison and orchestrate Myrtle’s execution, thus making her a prime candidate for burning, is quickly brushed aside when Cordelia asks for her help dispatching the witch hunter. You would think a coven of incredibly powerful witches who can return from the dead at will wouldn’t be particularly worried about a gunman with terrible aim, but what do I know?
Meanwhile, across town and under a terrifying overpass, Queenie is doing just fine, thanks for asking. Zoe and Madison interrupt her just as she’s beating a homeless rapist to death with a board with a nail in it. It’s like, maybe deal with your own coven’s problems first, you guys? “You just killed an innocent man,” Zoe gasps as Queenie finishes the guy off. Seriously, Zoe? YOU JUST STABBED SOMEONE TO DEATH LAST WEEK. Spalding was certainly complicit several murders, but open your darn eyes.
Despite finding favor with the voodoo queen, Queenie and Madame LaLaurie are still buddies. Guilty over the whole cage thing, Queenie brings fast food to Delphine, who subsequently begs for her release. I guess I never realized this but . . . LaLaurie doesn’t have powers anymore. I feel like an idiot that I never recognized it. I hope you rip me apart in the comments but good! Queenie feels terrible, but not as terrible as LaLaurie feels when an enraged Marie Laveau hacks off her hand. The episode ends with Fiona and Cordelia receiving a very familiar-looking box. I guess the Minotaur’s post-decapitation blink was simple a cheeky wink at all the immortal severed heads to come. “Help,” LaLaurie gasps from her cardboard coffin. Oh god, they are going to do such wonderful things with that living head. Put her in so many hats. Drop her down so many flights of stairs.
I somehow forgot to mention that Kyle has regained enough speech to tell Zoe he loves her, which of course makes Madison very sad. I probably forgot it because poor Kyle’s entire storyline is so grim and cringe-inducing, my brain is actively trying block it out.
Previous episode: Madison’s Back