Like that 1994 film, the dim-witted “Sessions” sits on a bus stop bench, eating from a box of chocolate and commiserating with strangers about his troubles, which includes lying to Congress about meeting with Russian officials.
“I always say life is like a box of chocolates… Sure are a lot of brown ones in there,” “Sessions” says.
“Sessions” then compared that photo of Kellyanne Conway kneel-sitting on a White House couch to Gump’s legless friend Lieutenant Dan. (McKinnon, as Conway, would later mock the photo at the very end the Weekend Update.)
“I had a bad week. Started out real good. President made a great speech; folks were thrilled on the account that it was real words in a row for a whole hour. We was all as happy as a monkey with a peanut machine,” “Sessions” tells another bus stop visitor.
“But then I went to bed, I got 800 messages and phone alerts saying I was a sneaky little liar. I didn’t know what to do so my lawyer said ‘Run, Jeffy, run.’ I started running and running.”
“Sessions” then tells his neighbor about how he was as “worked up as a double-donged piggy in a room full of sows” during his confirmation hearings, where the attorney general is now accused of lying under oath when he said he didn’t have talks with Russian officials.
“I’ve never talked to no Russians, ever. And that’s all I got to say about that,” the attorney general tells the man. As soon as that man boards the bus and is replaced by another passenger, “Sessions” admits, “I talked to the Russians. Twice. You know, I talked to a fellow who was Russian on account of he was the Russian ambassador.”
“Sessions” then remembers that he and Michael Flynn were the only members of the Trump administration to meet with Russian officials… and J.D. Gordon… and Jared Kushner and Carter Page. And Paul Manafort.
The cold open concludes with a brief visit from Vladimir Putin (“This meeting never happened”) and host Octavia Spencer reprising her Minny role from The Help.
Attorney General Sessions to recuse himself from any Trump campaign investigations after “The Washington Post” reports meetings with Russian ambassador.