The road to the 2016 presidential election is starting to rev up for both Republicans and Democrats candidates, but while more hopefuls enter the ring, Jon Stewart still only has one man on his mind: His favorite subject, Donald Trump. On Thursday’s The Daily Show, Stewart did his best to focus on the other candidates, but the bland field of politicians only made the host think more about the loudmouthed real estate mogul.
“Watching this man run for president, it’s like eating ice cream on a roller coaster made of blowjobs,” Stewart says of Trump. “It is so much fun. By the way, you’re welcome, Great Adventure. I expect by summer 2017 to ride your new Great American Fellatiator.
“I wanna watch him all the time. And yet I feel so dirty,” Stewart added. “It’s like I’m not just letting myself down, I’m letting down the forefathers of this great nation who entrusted us to steward their noble experiment in self-determination, but they never came up against anything like this guy!” Can you imagine if he was there when they were around? ‘John Hancock, he’s a loser. What kind of a loser needs to put their name in giant letters on everything?'”
The latest hopeful to join the crowded Republican field is Ohio Governor John Kasich, a “base model generic white guy” who, according to Stewart, is so dull compared to Trump that “[Kasich] is like a picture hanging up in a hotel room. You don’t notice it.” It’s not just the GOP being eclipsed by Trump, as he’s even overshadowing the Democratic primaries, where all five candidates – “Hillary Clinton and the other ones” – had dinner together in Iowa.
Of the Democratic “other guys,” Stewart calls monotone Rhode Island Governor Lincoln Chafee “a white noise machine running for president.” While the long-shot liberal favorite Bernie Sanders is at least entertaining, he lacks Trump’s unique “dickishness.”
Stewart notes that Trump’s overwhelming success comes because he’s an amalgamation of all of the other Republican candidates’ most notable attributes: Rick Perry’s dumbness, Ted Cruz’s habit of saying “crazy shit,” Rand Paul’s hair and Chris Christie’s bully tactics. “It’s like The Breakfast Club all wrapped into just one guy,” Stewart says. “Donald Trump is the candidate version of the hot dog-crust pizza. You don’t want it. You never ordered it. You can’t believe someone came up with it. But now, it’s all you want to eat!”
Stewart then evokes Grease to pay musical tribute to his summer fling.