What’s your New Year’s resolution? To diet? Exercise? Play professional basketball? No matter how big or small the goal, John Oliver is here to remind you that you’ll never better yourself. Resolutions are “the exact middle ground between lying to yourself and lying to other people,” says the Last Week Tonight host in a hilarious web exclusive. But there’s hope: Either lower your standards or raise them to a ridiculous, unreachable height.
“The main problem with New Year’s resolutions is that we set our expectations way too high,” he says. “For instance, lots of people say they want to exercise more. But that’s hard. Exercise is like reading for your muscles – except you can’t watch a movie of someone else exercising and basically get the gist of it.”
So instead of jogging, try “anything that brings your heart rate up” – like “waking up late for work or taking a pregnancy test.” Instead of using that new Crock Pot to cook healthy meals, treat the mice in your apartment to a relaxing hot tub surprise. On the flipside, you can set obviously unattainable goals, like winning an EGOK – an Emmy, Grammy, Oscar and Kentucky Derby.
“Deep down, we all know the key to a successful resolution is not hard work and dedication,” Oliver says. “It’s managing disappointment…and that’s it.”
Last Week Tonight returns from its HBO hiatus with new episodes on February 14th.