John Oliver expanded the old adage “You don’t wear white after Labor Day” in the latest Last Week Tonight web exclusive. “We should be using more holidays as arbitrary points to stop doing things,” Oliver said.
“We should have a rule that, after Thanksgiving, you have to stop decorating your home with gourds,” the host added. “It’s cute in October, it’s acceptable but obnoxiously folksy in November, but after that, you’re just keeping loose produce lying around. It’s not better than adorning your front porch with a bunch of watermelons and carrot sticks. “
Oliver also set the eggnog deadline for New Year’s Eve, “because if you start your calendar year by consuming a beverage with the density and nutritional value of molten steel, scrap the rest of your resolutions and take care of your fucking nog problem.”
Later, the host deviated from the holiday deadline and just started imposing bans on things like winking and the phrase “That’s interesting.” “For now on, when someone tells you a boring story, simply say ‘Bless you,’ like you were just sneezed on, because that is what hearing about someone’s travel delay feels like,” Oliver said.
Last Week Tonight returns to HBO on September 25th. Until then, Oliver promises to continue dropping web exclusives every Sunday night.