Jimmy Fallon’s gift Tuesday night of a free television to every member of the Tonight Show audience was all the fodder Jerry Seinfeld needed to deliver a biting, hilarious five minutes of stand-up that focused on gift-giving and how our homes have become a “garbage processing center.”
“All things on Earth only exist in different stages of becoming garbage. Your home is a garbage processing center where you buy new things, bring them into your house and slowly crapify them over time,” Seinfeld joked. “You’re all excited when you get something, you bring it in, open it on the kitchen table; the place of honor for the new arrivals. You read the instructions, fill out the registration card. You may even join the club of other idiots who have this thing.”
Seinfeld then breaks down the pecking order of possessions: Visible in a living area, then cupboard or drawer, then closet and then the garage. “No object has ever made it out of the garage and back into the house,” Seinfeld says. “The word ‘garage’ seems to be a form of the word ‘garbage’…Really eBay is the only thing that can save the object at this point. eBay another step forward in human culture, hey why don’t we mail our garbage back and forth to each other.” Seinfeld wraps up the bit by examining the possession purgatory known as “the storage unit.”
In addition to the stand-up, Seinfeld also joined Fallon for an interview where the two talked about their season finale of Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee. Seinfeld delivered Fallon a “world record” in conjunction with his popular web series, noting that Fallon’s 30-minute appearance beat out Louis C.K. for longest episode.
As a web exclusive, Seinfeld also shared his anecdote for “The Worst I Ever Bombed”: New Year’s Eve, 1977, with a 22-year-old Seinfeld forced to perform at a disco club that refused to turn down the music when he did his 20-minute routine.