Welcome back to Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our weekly ranking of pop culture’s power players.
We’re not gonna lie: Between the Force Awakens lightsaber (are you serious with that crossguard?!?), the continued existence of the Kardashians and all the ugly sweaters we’re seeing, there’s no shortage of seemingly meaningless ephemera to get outraged about this week, which is good: The Index is nothing if not professionally petty.
So before J.J. Abrams figures out a way to add a fourth plasma blade to an old Christmas sweater, let’s get to the midweek rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between. Let’s do some Indexing.
1. Hilts: Star Wars nerds torn over the efficacy of new lightsaber crossguard in Force Awakens trailer. Hilts haven’t been this hot since the Teutonic War.
2. The Suicide Squad Cast: Jared Leto, Tom Hardy, Will Smith and Cara Delevingne confirmed to star in film version of DC comic. Definitely the most attractive super-hero team since Marvel’s BotoX-Men.
4. Stephen Hawking, Bond Villain: Iconic cosmologist and author wants to play the bad guy in a James Bond film. That definitely would have made The Theory of Everything a better movie.
5. Fleek: Let’s put an end to it before it spreads.
6. Ugly Sweaters: Once-ironic holiday accessory reaches the saturation point. Can we just go back other unsightly Christmastime classics like “Crass Consumerism” or “Aunt Janice’s Horrible Racism?”
7. George Clooney’s Downton Abbey Cameo: He turns, he smiles, he drinks. It’s the most George Clooney thing he’s done since Ocean’s Thirteen.
8. Jersey Shore Turns Five: MTV’s boozy, brawling breakout premiered five years ago today. Watch the first episode now, and be transported back to a time when we were all supposed to care about Angelina Pivarnick.
9. Mike Ditka Has Had Enough: Cigar-chomping former coach rips NFL players’ “Hands Up, Don’t Shoot” pregame protest. “The policeman’s life is ruined,” Ditka says. How’d everything turn out for Michael Brown?
11. The Orion Space Capsule: NASA says new spacecraft is “a major step in our deep-space exploration plan to Mars.” Can we put Mike Ditka on board?
14. The Fat Mike Musical: NOFX frontman plots touring production of new play. Can’t wait for its 20-year run on the Vans Warped Tour.
16. Nicki Minaj’s New Album: Oft-delayed The Pinkprint features cameos from Beyoncé and Ariana Grande. You know, if it actually comes out this time.
17. Happy Birthday Britney Spears! Brit Brit turned 33 yesterday. Or, in her mind, “Starbucks Frappuccino years old.”
18. BlackBerry’s Desperation: Former wireless juggernaut is now offering to pay iPhone users $600 to switch to their new Passport device. That’s $1 for every version of Brick Breaker it comes preloaded with.
19. Jameis Winston on Snapchat: Florida State quarterback/lightning rod is lookin’ for boobs. Fitting, considering Snapchat is basically the Jameis Winston of apps anyway.
20. 2014: It was pretty shitty, wasn’t it?