Welcome to another edition of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players, using an advanced algorithmic method based almost entirely on whether or not they can kill us.
That’s why American Horror Story‘s truly terrifying Twisty the Clown tops this week’s list – he’s way more dangerous than Taylor Swift (no matter what her exes say) – with the likes of Randy Orton and, uh, Ebola not far behind. What can we say? We’re always afraid. But while we’re still breathing, here are this week’s rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between.
Let’s get Indexing.
1. Clowns: Upset with American Horror Story: Freak Show for giving their kind a bad name. Apparently John Wayne Gacy was just doing community outreach.
2. Taylor Swift’s “Out of the Woods:” Sensational new single is probably about her ex, Harry Styles, is definitely the greatest thing he’s been associated with since the man bun.
3. This Kesha/Dr. Luke Thing: If you need us, we’ll be over here.
4. Randy Orton: WWE’s “Apex Predator” becomes unwitting star of new meme, RKO’s the entire Internet. Coming soon: 10 Adorable Dogs Getting the Stone Cold Stunner.
5. Ebola Coverage: Somehow, typing “WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!” still seems measured by comparison.
6. New iPads! Apple set to unveil a new line of tablets that will be thinner, faster and just as pointless as ever.
7. Foo Fighters’ Fantastic Week: Dave Grohl and Co. continue highlight-reel run, jamming with Zac Brown and Heart, celebrating new HBO doc with Chicago club show. Name a band having more fun right now.
8. Hozier: Irish crooner delivers breakthrough SNL performance, climbs the Billboard charts with “Take Me to Church.” Bob and Doug McKenzie liked him before he was cool.
9. Missouri: With the Royals in the World Series and the Cardinals still alive, the Show-Me State is having the best week ever. You know, except for all the Ferguson stuff.
10. Zach Galifianakis: American hero delivers best response to red-carpet question about his weight loss: “I’m dying.”
11. Binge-watching Twin Peaks: What better way to gear up for the return of David Lynch’s oddball opus in 2016? As an added bonus, by the time the opening credits finish, it’s already 2015.
12. The Twerking Teacher: Former kindergarten teacher quits to become a professional twerker. Why, of course she lives in Florida.
13. Iggy Azalea and Snoop Dogg: Instagram feud has us feeling sticky-icky-icky. And not just because it made Azealia Banks reappear.
14. Edward Snowden Says You Should Avoid Facebook: Apparently, in Russia, people still use Facebook.
15. Friends on Netflix: Starting January 1, you’ll finally have the chance to watch your favorite episodes of beloved NBC sitcom. Or you could just watch TBS right now.
16. Gwen Stefani’s New Single: “Baby Don’t Lie” heads to radio this weekend. Shocking, given the success of that last No Doubt album.
17. HBO’s Standalone Service: Cable’s standard-bearer will offer streaming service to folks without a subscription. At last, a way to circumvent HBO Go’s stringent security measures.
18. DC Comics’ Upcoming Films: We’re getting 10 new superhero flicks over the next six years. Highly optimistic, since it assumes we’ll care about an Aquaman movie, will still be alive in 2020.
19. Erykah Badu Busks in Times Square: And makes money while doing so. If she really wanted a challenge, she would have asked tourists if they like stand-up comedy.
20. Neil Young’s Media Blitz: The gift that keeps on giving.