Welcome to another installment of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players, some of whom even managed to remain fully clothed.
Let’s just get this out of the way: Kim Kardashian’s butt-baring stunt for Paper magazine has worked to perfection. It’s all anyone is talking about, which is pretty depressing – and then you read the caption that accompanies her cover shoot (“Break the Internet”) and somehow, it takes you to an even darker place. Are we all pawns in her Pavlovian posterior experiment? Is her continued existence the punishment we, as a society, deserve? How much petroleum-based lubricant was spilled in futile attempts to cover her backside?
The mind boggles. And while it would be nice to just ignore her, it’s our solemn duty to take stock of the pop-culture landscape, and, quite frankly, Kardashian’s ass looms large. Real large. So with out sincerest apologies, let’s get to our midweek rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between. Let’s get Indexing.
1. Kim Kardashian’s Paper Magazine Cover: Yep, that’s her oiled-up butt. No, we’re not going to say anything else about it – we already feel terrible enough about ourselves.
2. Dumb and Dumber To: If we set our expectations impossibly low, we can’t be disappointed, right?
3. The Taylor Swift/Spotify Spat: Entering week number two. For those keeping score at home, Swift’s now fighting for the rights of artists and superfans alike. But what of the poor Subway customer?!?
4. Dewitos: Mountain Dew experimenting with Doritos-flavored beverage. If you drink it, do you get “Heartabetes?”
6. Gwydion Lashlee-Walton: So hot right now.
7. Nicki Minaj’s Nazi Video: Her Minajesty apologizes after Anti-Defamation League calls her “Only” video “a new low for pop culture’s exploration of Nazi symbolism.” And yet, it’s only the fifth most awful thing Chris Brown has been associated with.
9. Pink Floyd’s “Louder Than Words” Video: It’s like Planet Earth, only with a dude rowing a boat through the clouds and a Floyd soundtrack. Basically, it’s one serape away from being your roommate during freshman year.
10. Broad City: Comedy Central’s breakout hit returns in January, with twerking, “titty chips” and the terrific Susie Essman. Our bongs are packed and ready.
12. Christoph Waltz Sings the Sesame Street Theme: Bleak, like Bert’s unrequited love for Ernie.
13. Usher’s Bold Marketing Strategy: Releasing his new single in specially marked boxes of Honey Nut Cheerios. Might be a new career low…and he was in The Faculty.
14. Heidi Montag, Humanitarian: Pneumatic former Hills star invites Amanda Bynes to crash in her guest house. The most depressing thing about that sentence is probably the fact that Montag is still rich enough to have a guest house.
15. Ariana Grande and Jesse J, Blasphemers: Omnipresent pair to remake Brandy and Monica’s R&B classic “The Boy is Mine.” Is nothing sacred? That’s a rhetorical question, BTW.
16. The Real Housewives of New Jersey Reunion: Almost makes you feel sorry for Teresa Giudice, except for the whole “multiple counts of fraud” thing. Then again, we’re pretty sure she’s unaware any of this is even happening.
17. Franklin & Bash Canceled: Where will be get our Breckin Meyer fix now?!?
18. Nick Jonas: Newly bulgy Jonas Brother continues predictable solo push with “sexy lyric video” for new single. We’d call his muscle-bound transformation shocking, but remember; he’s from New Jersey.
19. Football as Football: Six designers give NFL teams a European soccer-style makeover – without the league’s consent. Oh, like that’s any dumber than NFL games being played in London?
20. The Polar Vortex: Fuck you, nature.