Welcome to another edition of the Rolling Stone “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s top pop-culture power players, regardless of whether they have three breasts or not.
Yes, it’s been a weird week, and it’s only Tuesday. From Jasmine Tridevil’s Total Recall-esque exploits to the return of Lizzie McGuire, the battle for pop-culture supremacy has been fierce. Luckily, we’ve got advanced algorithms on our side; here’s our Top 20 for the next seven days. Let’s get Indexing!
1. New Kendrick Lamar! Uplifting “i” is a definite departure, but it’s more proof that Kendrick’s willing to go a whole lot further than any of his contemporaries. So effective it momentarily caused us to forget we hate ourselves.
2. The Woman With Three Boobs: Jasmine Tridevil spends $20,000 for a third breast in the hopes of landing an MTV reality show. Somewhere, former Teen Mom-turned-porn-star Farrah Abraham is kicking herself.
3. The Endless River: Pink Floyd’s first album in 20 years is a “four-sided instrumental.” We’ll be playing the bong.
4. Colin Farrell Joins True Detective‘s Second Season: After months of speculation, Nic Pizzolatto’s cast begins to take shape. To compliment the mercurial Irish actor, may we suggest Shia LaBeouf, or perhaps a starved tiger that’s been repeatedly poked with a sharp stick?
5. Bone Thugs-n-Harmony Want $10 Million for Their New Album: That’s $1 million for each person still excited by the prospects of a new Bone Thugs-n-Harmony album.
6. Charlo Greene: Aptly named Alaskan TV reporter/weed enthusiast announces her departure from network with epic on-air “Fuck it, I quit.” Even if she didn’t front an organization called “The Alaska Cannabis Club,” we’d want to hang out with her.
7. Keenan Thompson to Leave SNL: After a dozen seasons, Thompson reportedly plans to leave sketch show at the end of the year. Kyle Mooney has already begun perfecting his Steve Harvey impression.
8. Lost Turns Ten: Mind-bending TV drama turned cautionary tale premiered a decade ago. Even in our flash-sideways, the ending still sucked.
9. Willie Nelson, “Marijuana Miyagi:” Seasoned toker Nelson provides guidance to New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd after a particularly bad edibles experience. Does that mean he also had her catch flies with chopsticks and hand-buff his collection of classic cars?
10. Drunk Robots: Researchers in Denmark create nanosensor-powered “artificial tongue” to rate wine. Terrifying, though on the bright side, very soon it will be even easier to score with your Pleasure Droid.
11. Botto Bistro: San Francisco restaurant stops advertising on Yelp, positive reviews magically disappear. In protest, they decide to become the site’s worst-rated spot, offer 25 percent discount for one-star reviews. Finally, we can use our powers of negativity for good!
12. Fucked Up Frontman to Moderate Toronto Mayoral Debate: Damian Abraham will preside over an ArtsVote debate featuring leading candidates for City Hall. “He is known for his penchant for headbutting things,” Toronto Star reports. Hey, just like Rob Ford!
— nigel godrich (@nigelgod) September 21, 2014
14. Angry Royals Baby: Adorable infant mean-mugs Tigers fan during Kansas City’s weekend series with Detroit. If we were negative-30 years old the last time our team made the playoffs, we’d be salty too.
15. MLB Picks Up the Pace: Commissioner convenes committee to investigate speed of play. Because nothing moves faster than a panel.
16. Fox News Angry About “Wussified” Thor: America’s “Fair & Balanced” authority takes momentary respite from reporting fiction to weigh in on actual news – about fictional characters. No one seems to notice.
17. Record-Setting iPhone 6 Sales: Apple sells 10 million phones during first weekend of release. Based on our Facebook feed, every single person who bought one posted a self-congratulatory update soon after.
18. Paula Deen’s Internet Channel: Queen of deep-fried Southern fare (and the occasional N-Bomb) buys digital-distro rights to old shows to bolster her on-demand online channel. Fans furiously attempting to de-butter their dial-up connections as you read this.
19. Starbucks’ Beer-Flavored Latte: Ubiquitous caffeine distributor testing new “Dark Barrel” brew that supposedly tastes like a stout. Based on some of the ways its baristas have misspelled our names, we just assumed everyone who worked there was drunk already.
20. A Lizzie McGuire Reunion: Hard to believe Hilary Duff can find time in her busy schedule.