This week, on the Rolling Stone Everything Index, we’ve got Katy denying her cartoonish roots, Kanye kinda premiering new music and Miley doing the kind of cultural appropriation that only requires a rudimentary knowledge of Photoshop.
As always, we’ve used advanced algorithms to compile this week’s power rankings. But unlike previous installments of the Index, we’re giving the #1 spot to the late Robin Williams. It’s a small tribute to a man of large talents, and we wouldn’t dream of making light of his passing. Other than that, though, there are plenty of pop-culture potshots to go around. Here’s our list for the week ahead.
1. Robin Williams: No joke here. R.I.P. to a legend. Oh, and fuck you, Shep Smith.
2. Katy Perry, Archie Comics Character: Despite speaking, acting like a cartoon, Katy denies ripping off buxom Archie Comics’ character Katy Keene. She always struck us as more of a Cheryl Blossom anyway.
3. Kanye West’s “All Day:” Low-quality version of ‘Ye’s supposed single leaks. Aside from sounding like it was recorded off someone’s answering machine, it’s hard to pick our favorite moment – the random coughing at the beginning, or the part where someone asks “Did you just turn on the lights?” And you thought Yeezus was weird.
4. The Teen Choice Awards Are Rigged: Turns out fan votes don’t always determine the winners of fake awards. We don’t know what to believe in anymore.
5. Nazis Working at McDonald’s: Burger assembly line forced to apologize after customer finds swastika on her chicken sandwich. Grimace’s dark secret is finally revealed.
6. Daniel Radcliffe Hates Harry Potter: Or at least his acting in 2009’s The Half-Blood Prince. To be fair, we hated all of them equally.
7. The Apparently Kid: Adorable ginger kid enters second week of Internet celebrity. He’s already gone viral, done every morning news show and been remixed by the Gregory Brothers…up next: a stint on Celebrity Rehab.
8. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Stupid re-boot takes in nearly $66 million at the box office. We deserve everything we get from here on out.
9. The Miley Cyrus/Nicki Minaj “Hannah Conda” Feud: Nicki gets angry after Miley co-opts the infamous “Anaconda” single cover. At this point, is there anyone Minaj isn’t feuding with?
10. Tamra on The Real Housewives of Orange County: 40-something toddler throws (yet another) tantrum, threatens to quit Bravo’s reality TV show. Don’t get our hopes up.
11. Blond James Franco: Actor bleaches his hair, automatically transforms into a boy-band benchwarmer from the early ’00s. Or Fred from Scooby-Doo.
12. FKA Twigs: British singer-producer’s LP1 earns rave reviews. It’s the album you’ll love for the remainder of 2014, then completely forget about. High praise.
13. Drake Runs Afoul of the NBA: League hits Toronto Raptors with $25,000 fine after “global ambassador” Drizzy woos Kevin Durant from the stage, thereby violating anti-tampering rules. Good thing there’s no NBA player named “Started From the Bottom.”
15. Robyn and Royksopp’s “Monument” Video: Much like the song itself, we’re not sure why the video has to be seven-minutes long either.
16. Kendall Jenner: Keeping Up with the Kardashians Rated Rookie reportedly storms out of restaurant, tosses cash at waitress who refused to serve her alcohol. Turns out she is as horrible as her half-sisters!
17. Pauly D Gets a Haircut: Pauly D is still a thing.
18. Black Lips vs. Kiss: Always-unhinged Atlanta rockers demand “complete and utter surrender” of the Kiss Army. Gene Simmons hits back, saying they live in their mom’s basement…though don’t most Kiss fans?
19. True Blood Auction: As the fangs-n-feelings dramedy says farewell, HBO is putting more than 1,500 items from the show up for bid, including the first two seasons when it was actually good.
20. The Expendables III: Turns out your grandpa didn’t disappear from the nursing home, he’s just been cast in Sly Stallone’s latest. Call off the search.