The Everything Index: Up All Night With Justin Bieber - Rolling Stone
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The Everything Index: Justin Bieber Gets to Stay Up Past His Bedtime

The teen-pop king gets roasted, Barack Obama goes on the offensive and a dude builds a “trash coffin.” Welcome to another weird week in pop culture

Justin bieber

Justin Bieber performs at Fashion Rocks 2014 in New York on September 9th, 2014 .

Theo Wargo/Getty

It’s time for another installment of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our midweek ranking of pop culture’s power players.

In the wake of last night’s State of the Union snapfest (a.k.a. Barack Obama: Raw), this week’s list has a decidedly Democratic bent, though we’re not about to forget our roots. That doesn’t mean we’re about to wax nostalgic about our time in the Hardee’s biscuit line – instead, we’re returning to a simpler era, when we could make jokes about Justin Bieber without fear of reproach (or egging) and flaunt our  superiority complex like nobody’s business. In other words, it’s pretty much just like every other week.

So before Joni Ernst blinks, let’s get to our midweek hitlist: the good, the bad and Everything in between. It’s time to do some Indexing.

1. Barack Obama: Totally slays in State of the Union speech, drops the mic on his detractors with awesome “I won both of them” jab. Finally, the smooth-talking, socialism-espousing separatist is in the building.

2. The Justin Bieber Roast: Finally, JB will be allowed to stay up past his bedtime. Up next? A big-boy bike, without training wheels.

3. Wearing Bread Bags on Your Shoes: The surest way to lock down the coveted “Republican rebuttal” slot. Somewhere, Marco Rubio is like, “All I did was take a drink of water!

4. Christina Milian’s Desperation: Former pop/R&B sorta-star “spontaneously” gets her nipple pierced during premiere episode of new E! reality series. All the Gatorade in the world cannot quench her thirst.

5. American Sniper: Noted cultural critic Sarah Palin’s favorite film of the year. Apparently, Captain America: The Winter Soldier wasn’t jingoistic enough for her.

6. Bjöyncé: Everyone’s favorite Icelandic faerie princess pulls a Beyoncé, surprise-releases her Vulnicura album. We can’t wait to see her “Partition” video!

7. Fox News’ “No-Go” Gaffe: Rupert Murdoch’s false-narrative machine gets glitchy, actually admits it erred in reporting on supposed Sharia law “safe-havens” in the U.K. and Europe. When will they get around to apologizing for the past decade?

8. Lil Wayne’s Sorry 4 the Wait 2: The erstwhile Weezy F. Baby drops new mixtape while the world waits for Tha Carter V. We wish he would have called this one Sorry 4 I Am Not a Human Being II.

9. “Ballghazi”: New England Patriots pump-up the paranoid nuts of the sports world with ball-deflating semi-scandal. Too bad they couldn’t have also let the air out of Frank Caliendo.

10. A “Trash Coffin”: California man survives tumble into garbage truck by building himself a sarcophagus made of actual trash. Your move, Joni Ernst.


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