It’s time once again for another installment of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players, some of whom aren’t even engaged to Charles Manson.
Yes, one week after Kim Kardashian’s bottom topped our rankings (and broke the Internet), things are getting back to normal around here…which means we’re once again picking fights with minors, poking fun at incarcerated maniacs and making plenty of pot jokes. It feels good to get back to basics.
So before Kim livestreams her next visit to the gynecologist, let’s get to our midweek rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between. Let’s get Indexing.
1. Jaden and Willow Smith: Cloying celebuspawn shatter the pretension scale in ridiculous new interview. Say what you will about the Kardashians, but you’ll never hear them boast about reading “ancient texts.” Mostly because they can’t read.
3. Kim Kardashian (Again): We haven’t checked – is the Internet still broken?
4. Charles Manson Engaged: He’s already serving a life sentence, how much worse could marriage be?
5. The Indestructible Emmanuel Sanders: Days after getting crushed on the field, Broncos wide receiver tweets photo of him hanging with the honeys. If only everyone on our fantasy team was this tough (Doug Martin, we’re looking at you.)
6. Grand Theft Auto First-Person Sex: Totally gross. Though, if you’re an avid GTA player, this is probably as close as you’ll ever come to getting laid.
8. Courtney Love and Dave Grohl Bond Over Boobs: Former adversaries forge new friendship based on unnamed actress’ breasts. Are you listening, Israel and Palestine?
9. Mo’ne Davis Gets a Book Deal: Breakout star of the Little League World Series already working on her memoir. Sure, she’s barely a teenager, but she can probably give Clay Buchholz some tips.
11. SantaCon Goes to Bushwick: Annual NYC annoyance set to become Brooklyn’s problem. Now is the time to rise up against your occupiers, native sons of Bushwick.
12. Nielsen Subscribes to Netflix: Starting next month, Nielsen will begin tracking viewership on streaming sites. Spoiler alert: Samsara wins the April 20 sweeps.
14. Our Uber Overlords: Exec at ride-sharing app uses terrifingly named “God View” to track reporter’s movements. This is why we do all our reporting while wearing a tin-foil hat.
16. TGI Fridays’ Mistletoe Drones: Purveyor of Jack Daniel’s-glazed food units bringing flying surveillance sentinels to several U.K. restaurants. Oh, like that’s any more terrifying than their loaded potato skins?
17. Snapcash: Now you can use Snapchat to send money to your friends. It’s the least you can do after all the unsolicited dick pics.
19. The Goddamn Snowpocalypse: Buffalo gets buried beneath feet of snow. Jeez nature, what did we ever do to you?
20. Hot in Cleveland Canceled: What will we not watch on TV Land now?!?