Welcome to another installment of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” where we ignore facts and logic and instead pick the week’s pop-culture power players based on our own biases and phobias. You know, just like the midterm elections.
And while most pundits will proclaim that America now belongs to the Republicans, we respectfully disagree: America belongs to Taylor Swift. Not only does she have the Number One album in the country, but her pop-culture clout is so great that she was able to withstand charges from a teenaged Target employee and Rihanna to once again top this week’s countdown. She’s basically the president at this point.
So while we’re all waiting to see what Swift’s first executive move will be (our guess: banning British imports), here are the midweek rankings: the good, the bad and Everything in between. Let’s get Indexing.
1. Taylor Swift: Bodies the biz by selling 1.28 million copies of 1989, flexes her muscles in standoff with Spotify, becomes “Global Ambassador” for NYC. Is there anything she can’t do? (Besides pronouncing “Houston Street” correctly.)
2. The Midterms: Way to go, America. You deserve everything you’re (not) going to get over the next two years.
4. Rihanna Returns to Instagram: Badgalriri is back on Insta after a six-month hiatus. Already, she’s posted sexy Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles pics and a racy Esquire shoot. It’s like she never left.
5. Benedict Cumberbatch Engaged: Somehow, the Internet is still working.
6. Oprah’s Favorite Things: The Big O’s 2014 list is out, and we can’t decide if we should spend our hard-earned cash on the $710 hypoallergenic dog bed or the $214 V-neck. How much does “filling the chasm inside us” cost?
7. Grand Theft Auto in First Person: Coming soon to Xbox One, PS4 and PC. As if Ebola, ISIS or the Republicans’ midterm victory didn’t already seal it, we’re never going outside again.
8. Voting Selfies: Congratulations, person we went to high school with, on performing a basic civic duty. Thankfully, no one on Snapchat is old enough to vote.
10. The College Football Playoff: How could anything involving Florida, Mississippi and Alabama not be progressive?
12. Randy Orton: WWE’s “Apex Predator” rides viral wave to unexpected face turn – of course, he got his head slammed into some steel steps for doing so. Wrestling is real, you guys.
13. Utopia Canceled: Not enough NeNe.
14. Father John Misty’s I Love You, Honeybear: Shamanic singer-songwriter/occasional “Everything Index” author announces new album, weirds out Letterman audience with laugh-track laced performance. Our Father Johns are already misty with excitement.
16. Chris Botti: Trumpeter brings NFL players to tears with stirring rendition of the national anthem. We thought Reggie Wayne was crying because he has to live in Indianapolis.
17. Soda: Your days are numbered, Diet Squirt.
18. Chris Brown: Singing/dancing cautionary tale gets into spat with Adrienne Bailon, Ashoka Tano and Tamar Braxton after they questioned his relationship with Karrueche Tran. One of those people is not real, BTW.
19. Titan Jewell Witherspoon: Kelly Rowland and husband Tim Witherspoon give their newborn son an amazing name, make the guest list for Blue Ivy’s third birthday that much closer to a Scrabble board.
20. Hanging Out With Bill Murray: He bikes to work, loves cops and gives out novelty cakes. Not surprisingly, you learn a lot when you spend a weekend with Bill.