Colbert kicked off by noting how grateful he is to still be able to host his show, despite the fact that he’s not even sure people are watching. “It is possible that my producers are lying to me that we’re broadcasting at all,” he said. “‘Sure, Stephen, we put a van on your front lawn, it talks to space! Now take a shower and shout into your phone.'”
After a cameo by Late Show musical director Jon Batiste, Colbert dove into Trump’s Tuesday news briefing, where he attacked reporters for inquiring about a report by the Inspector General of the Department of Health and Human Services — even going as far as to tell ABC’s Jonathan Karl that he’s a “third-rate reporter” who will “never make it.”
Trump also rolled his eyes and sighed at Fox News’s Kristin Fisher for asking about COVID-19 testing delays, which is still a major issue as COVID-19 spreads. “You should say congratulations, great job,” he told her, “instead of being so horrid in the way you ask a question.”
“Yes, a reporter’s job isn’t to ask questions,” Colbert cracked, comparing Trump’s reaction to that of a teenage girl. “It is to praise the president for doing a great job,” Colbert said. “Just like when Woodward and Bernstein got Nixon that ‘Congrats on the corruption!’ cake.”
“Trump doesn’t understand that no one cares about these hissy fits anymore,” he added. “All of the drama no longer plays to the camera, sir, not even to your own supporters. Because it doesn’t matter who you voted for. Everyone just wants to know the truth, because that’s how you stay alive. So grow up and do your damn job! We have to. You should, too.”
Colbert then shifted to the Wisconsin primary, which still took place despite the ongoing pandemic. While most states had postponed voting or moved to mail-in ballots, the Wisconsin Supreme Court still forced voters out to the poll.
“I guess it’s the Wisconsin way of showing New Hampshire you can live free and die,” Colbert said. “The Supreme Court is used to social distancing. Everybody knows to stay at least six feet away from Brett Kavanaugh.”
Like many hosts, Colbert has been airing his show from his home in wake of the coronavirus pandemic, performing monologues from his bathtub and his front porch. He recently recruited Alicia Keys for an at-home rendition of Flo Rida’s “My House.”