“I’m so honored to be your valedictator, but today’s not about me, it’s about you,” Baldwin’s Trump told the graduating class via video. “Although I should spend a little time on me first because I’ve been treated very poorly, even worse than they treated Lincoln.”
The president added, “My valet got the virus so I had to do my own makeup. I had to resort to a Liza Minnelli TikTok makeup tutorial.”
Throughout his commencement speech, the virtual crowd begins to dwindle, first after “Trump” insults and then mutes “jazz people” and then, after a mild couching attack, he takes a swig of Clorox bleach, his “good ol’ invincibility juice.”
“Look, I’m gonna be honest with you guys. I know this is hard so I’m going to give you some real advice,” the president added.
“Believe in yourselves and you can achieve anything. Look at me: I started as the son of a simple wealthy slumlord, and grew to become a billionaire, the president, and the world’s leading expect on infectious diseases. Surround yourself with the worst people you can find, that way you will always shine. If you don’t understand something, call it stupid. Never wear sunscreen. And live every day like it’s your last, because we’re going to let this virus run wild.”