With Friday marking the deadline for contractors to submit their plans for Donald Trump‘s border wall on the Mexican border, Stephen Colbert huddled with an architect, an engineer, an interior designer and a “concrete guy” to see how logistically feasible Trump’s endeavor is.
Unfortunately, Trump hasn’t provided many concrete details pertaining to his vision other than the wall is going to be “so big and so strong and so strong,” “impenetrable” and “beautiful.”
Trump’s mental blueprint also envisions a wall that is “heck-of-a” lot taller than an arena’s ceiling, leaving Colbert and his team to figure out what the measurement of “heck-of-a” is. “‘Heck-of-a’ equals ‘one half an ass-load’ equals 20 feet,” Colbert told his experts on the Late Show before settling on a 100-foot-tall wall.
The tab for Trump’s wall quickly climbs to $1 trillion before Colbert and his experts realize it’s probably best to construct a 2000-mile highway alongside the wall. “Because what is a highway if not a wall on its side?,” Colbert pointed out.
As for Trump’s boasts that the wall will be “beautiful,” Colbert gave that assignment to his interior designer, who failed when he suggests the “ugly wall” be turned into a rock-climbing wall, which would allow people to scale the wall and thus defeat its purpose. Another suggestion is to wallpaper the wall, which would balloon the cost of the wall to the tune of 54 million rolls of wallpaper.
With the logistics all finally squared away, Colbert called up the Mexican consulate and asked for $2 trillion to pay for the wall, preferably in petty cash.