“It’s funny, a lot of people have been telling me lately that I should run for president of the United States,” Johnson told Trump portrayer Alec Baldwin during the opening monologue, referencing a recent interview that speculated on Johnson’s Oval Office prospects.
“It’s very flattering, but tonight I want to put this to rest and just say once and for all: I’m in. Starting tonight, I am running for president of the United States.”
For his running mate, Johnson picked someone else “who is universally adored by every human alive,” Tom Hanks, who then joined the action star onstage.
Johnson continued, “In the past, I never would’ve considered running for president. I didn’t think I was qualified at all, but now I’m worried I’m too qualified.
Hanks added, “The truth is, America needs us. No one can seem to agree on anything anymore except for two things.”
“Pizza and us,” Johnson interjected.
Johnson and Hanks then mapped out their game plan to get 100 percent of the vote, with Hanks appealing to the seniors because he served in World War II (in Saving Private Ryan and other films), while Johnson’s ethnic ambiguity would appeal to all minorities.
Johnson closed out his pitch by firing his first salvo at the current administration and (potentially, if he’s not impeached) his 2020 presidential opponent.
“When it comes to politics, we need more poise, and less noise,” Johnson said in conclusion before a Johnson/Hanks 2020 banner and confetti dropped from the ceiling. “Americans deserve strong capable leaders, leaders who care about this country and care about its people.”