In an exclusive web clip, John Oliver offered a series of “retractions” for mistakes he’s previously made on Last Week Tonight. In lieu of a new episode of the HBO series, Oliver reminded viewers that even he can’t be right 100 percent of the time.
“I wanted to take a moment here on the Internet to set some things straight,” Oliver said. “Because here at Last Week Tonight we work hard to ensure everything I say is as accurate as possible, but inevitably, despite our diligence, occasional errors do slip through. So in the interest of full transparency I’d like to retract some of the claims that I’ve made in the past that have turned out, unfortunately, to be false.”
These retractions included the fact that Alaska was not, actually, purchased by the U.S. from grizzly bears for 50 pounds of salmon and that Myspace is absolutely not back.
“A few weeks ago I said – and I quote – ‘Myspace is back, baby! It’s Tom time, motherfuckers,’” Oliver recounted. “I don’t deny that I said that and unfortunately it seems that I may have spoken too soon. Our research staff have obtained documents that indicate that Myspace is, emphatically, not actually back.” He added, “It is my sad duty to inform you that it is not now, nor was it ever, Tom time, motherfuckers.”
Oliver also admitted that he was mistaken in calling trains “buses that fuck.” “It has been brought to my attention that is false,” he said. “Trains are actually airplanes that pee sitting down.”
The host also apologized to some photos of fish, which he called a series of bad names last year. “To the entire fish community I offer a sincere apology,” he said. “For not going further! That’s right you slimy dipshits I retract my retraction! I hope all of you end up in a fucking chowder.”
Last Week Tonight returns on September 9th.