I’m trying to drastically reduce the word count of these recaps, so I will refrain from describing the wave of orgasmic pleasure that coursed through my body at the first strains of Stevie Nicks’ “Edge of Seventeen” echoing through the swamp on last night’s American Horror Story: Coven. Besides, you know what it was like. You watched the show! Just as predicted, the recently deceased Misty Day is back from the dead and, well, I didn’t predict the part where she resurrected multiple dead alligators to kill a set of poachers. Thank God I couldn’t predict that. There would be nothing left for me in this world if I had that power.
You didn’t have to be a precog, though, to guess this week’s biggest plot point. Madison is real sorry she accidentally crushed Zoe‘s frat crush Kyle. “I’m sorry I killed your boy candy,” she sighed. “But considering your black widow status, he was living on borrowed time anyway.” Heyoo! To make it up to her, Madison takes Zoe to the city morgue, where they attempt to reassemble and revive Kyle’s extremely, extremely dismembered corpse using body parts from his fellow frat brothers. “Did we just marry the Devil? Because I’m not down with that,” Madison wonders post-incantation. More importantly, did New Kyle get any appendages from any of the gang-rapists?
When at first it appears their Satanic spell has failed, Zoe tearfully tells Kyle’s corpse, “None of this would have happened if we weren’t at that party.” Ah yes, if only the frat boys had gang-raped some other, more normal woman! Perhaps revived by her loving plea (but more likely revived by the power of the Devil himself), Kyle comes to life and immediately murders the first morgue employee that meanders into the room. Luckily, Misty Day happens to get into the morgue employee’s car (right? I guess?), drawn by her witch connection to Zoe, and takes both teens to her mystical cabin in the woods to heal.
Now, I don’t think I would be remiss to say that AHS is typically known for burning through pivotal events, then spending too much time lingering over smaller details. (Did we really need to spend that much time on Killer Santa last season, especially when there were aliens afoot?) This season, however, the scorching pace seems to fit more naturally with the tone and conceit of the story. Of course Madison and Zoe made a Franken-boyfriend in the second episode. Of course a Fleetwood Mac-loving white witch can help heal said Frankenstein’s raggedly joints. Of course Marie Laveau, voodoo queen and engineer of Madame LaLaurie‘s 200-year imprisonment, is still alive and doing hair in the Ninth Ward. The difference is that, unlike seasons past, the protagonists (and potential villains) of Coven don’t have to waste time slowly discovering the supernatural elements around them. They are the supernatural elements, and it’s only matter of time before they butt up against the human world. It’s basically all-lady X-Men. It’s X-Femme.
And the real world does post quite a problem! Detective Sanchez stops by to question Zoe and Madison about the bus crash, having already deduced that they were involved, spotted Zoe on the hospital security camera and learned about her boyfriend’s eerily similarly demise. I guess what I’m saying is, Detective Sanchez is a very good detective. Leave it to Zoe to immediately crack under pressure, blubbering, “Everyone here is a witch! I’m so sorry. Please don’t send us to jail.” Girl! Pull it together! Fortunately for the witches-in-training, detective work is no match for magic, which Fiona uses to poison the detective into forgetfulness. So I guess the show is like X-Men, but with a lot more murders.
Oh, and more evil sex! Cordelia and her husband Hank finally break down and use magic (and snakes and eggs and fire and pentagrams) to conceive a baby. While Cordelia is reticent to use magic because she doesn’t want to “play God,” she should probably be hesitant to use it because she’s “going to give birth to the Devil.” Right? I’m not wrong.
The only plot point that truly did not make sense this week was Fiona’s raw contempt for Marie Laveau, who has been hiding out as a hair stylist lo these past few centuries while looking good as hell. Seriously, I’m going to run an Emmy campaign for the red jacket Angela Bassett wore in the salon. After some intense banter (including several super racist statements regarding hammers, nails and slavery), Fiona demands to know Laveau’s secret to immortality. Who walks into a salon, yammers about slavery and then starts making demands. “Maybe in another century, you can have two shithole salons,” Fiona snarls after Laveau turns her down. What? The woman is over 200-hundred-years-old! She is clearly the most powerful witch you know, plus she has the very thing you want most in the entire world! Check yourself before you wreck yourself, Fiona. Who knows how many ladies are still alive in coffins around New Orleans? Not to mention her Boyfriend Minotaur is still alive and kicking.
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