Whenever someone asks me to describe American Horror Story, I usually tell them something along the lines of, “Long stretches of fabulous camp punctuated by lurid horror.” Most of that luscious camp is provided by Jessica Lange, which is why I cannot conceive of her leaving the show. She claims to be on her way out after Season Four though, announcing her plans even after last week’s installment became the most-watched episode by 18-to-34-year-olds in FX history. Unless they bring back Connie Britton (which would be great!), I just don’t know how they will get by without her. I watched tonight’s episode, and I just don’t know.
Speaking of tonight’s episode! While AHS‘s horror tends to be violence-related, Coven conjured those moments in the most unexpected and unsettling ways. Like the incestuous Frankenstein abuse! It makes sense that AHS would wait until literally the most bizarre moment of its three seasons to bring in incest. Here Zoe thought she was doing the right thing, returning the patched-up, disoriented Kyle to the arms of his mourning mother. That Zoe had no idea Kyle’s mother was sexually abusing him is a good reminder that, oh yeah, Zoe does not know this guy at all. She met him once through an ice sculpture. I almost terror-barfed when the now-mentally-addled Kyle cringed under his mother’s sexual advances, though it was definitely reason enough for Kyle to beat his mom to death with a high school sports trophy. Zoe, Misty Day, Satan and the healing powers of the Louisiana mud might have accidentally made a monster, but Kyle was raised by one. Good luck with all that, Zoe!
Speaking of terror-barfing, how about poor Queenie? Not only did she not get to go with Madison and Nan to visit the new hunky neighbor Luke Ramsey and his uptight religious mom Joan, Madame LaLaurie threw her food and called her a “negress.” Also, apparently she’s so desperate for love that she, well, she tries to lose her virginity to the Minotaur when he shows up to kill LaLaurie.
After Fiona gives LaLaurie to Queenie as a personal slave (So Fiona is anti-racism now? What about all that hammer and nail talk?), Queenie at least gets to eat well, but she still has to deal with LaLaurie’s gibbering and squawking all the time. I enjoyed watching LaLaurie cry when she found out Obama is president as much as the next person, but pull it together, woman. You are an immortal murder witch! Have some dignity! I accept the premise that Queenie felt so alone that she’d be willing to commit partial bestiality out on the lawn. It’s just kind of embarrassing because the Minotaur is already seeing Marie Laveau. “You just wanted love, and that makes you a beast,” Queenie tells him. “They called me that, too, but that’s not who we are.” Awkward! Just as Queenie and the Minotaur are about to consummate their attraction, he grabs her by the mouth. She probably doesn’t die. At this point I’m just hoping that girl hooks up with Laveau soon. If for nothing else, it would at least get out her out of the house once in a while!
Cordelia, meanwhile, still has babies on the brain. She finds out her biological chances of conceiving are nil, so she pays a visit to Laveau. I don’t know about you, but I’m going to go ahead and make the image of Angela Bassett reclining on a throne of bones while playing Solitaire on an iPad my desktop background at work. Laveau paints a word picture of the fertility ceremony she could do for Cordelia, and if Cordelia had been thinking, she could have just jotted the ingredients down. They were: two ounces of your husband’s baby gravy in a Mason jar; guinea pepper, hotter than Hades, for eating; A goat’s worth of blood, spilled directly onto your baby bucket; $50,000 cash upfront.
If anyone but Angela Bassett were doing this ritual, I would feel rill uncomfortable. But it is her, so what a fun scene! After Cordelia excitedly agrees, Laveau laughs in her face forever. Fiona is Marie’s worst enemy (I didn’t misremember that hammer and nail talk!), so why would she help Cordelia? It’s a fair point, but I’m assuming Cordelia is going to get it done anyway.
Which brings us to Mommy Dearest. After reminiscing about murdering her mentor, the previous Supreme Annalee Leighton, in 1971, Fiona takes on Madison as her pupil. When she learns her immune system is failing and that she’s just not attracting plain-looking white bankers anymore, Fiona realizes that a new Supreme is leeching out her power. All signs point to Madison, seeing as how she threw a knife at Patti Lupone and set her drapes on fire five seconds after meeting her. In a moment of drunken angst, Fiona demands that Madison cut her throat, just as Fiona did to Annalee. Madison refuses (Hello? She only kills dudes? So far?) and in their scuffle Fiona straight-up slits Madison’s throat. Talk about a vicious gash, am I right ladies?
Whether it was completely intentional or just a nice coincidence, Fiona seemed pretty pleased either way. “Bury her deep. God know what all that shit in her body will do to the lawn when it comes up in the spring,” Fiona snarls around a cigarette as Ol’ Tongueless Butler McGross stares at Madison’s lifeless body, adding, “This coven doesn’t need a new Supreme. It needs a new rug.” If only I could save her a lot of time and tell her my hunches: Madison won’t be under the lawn for long and oh, duh, Zoe is the new Supreme.
Previous recap: Once in a Million Years