The Walking Dead returns from its mid-season hiatus! When last we saw our fearless crew of zombie fighters, the Governor and his cronies waged war on the prison. Things we think we knew: Rick and Carl made it into the woods, we hope the rest of the survivors took off on their bus to salvation, and Baby Judith was likely devoured. We think. Now that the show is back, here’s what we’ve learned. (Warning: SPOILERS AHEAD. Do not read this if you’ve yet to watch the episode!)
1. Teenagers will be moody and petulant, even during a zombpocalypse.
Carl isn’t a kid anymore, dad! He can take care of his own damn self, even if it means he sacrifices a shoe for 120 ounces of chocolate pudding. Carl’s a good shot and he never forgot his survival skills even when he was playing at being a farmer. He’s pissed at his dad for treating him like a child when he knows he’s a real man now.
2. Before the zombie outbreak, Michonne had a lover named Mike and an adorable child.
Before abandoning the prison for good, Michonne puts Hershel’s Zombie Head out of its misery, steps over the rotting corpse of The Governor, and de-arms/de-jaws two new zombies to drag around Georgia. In a flashback, we learn that once upon a time, she lived with her lovah and served wine and cheese. We know she already had super sword skills and that she and Mike and his friend went to live at a camp. We also know that she lived in a fabulous house way back before the zombie poo hit the proverbial fan. In nightmare flashback, Mike and his friend lose their arms. Were Mike and his buddy her first set of zombie pets? Maybe kinda sorta?
3. Carl is super brave but not brave enough to shoot his own father in the head.
Rick’s out cold due to all the injuries he sustained during the shoot-out with the Governor’s team. He passes out on a couch for an entire day while Carl is out foraging for canned food and dispatching zombies. When he comes to, he moans like a zombie. Carl takes aim but just can’t do it – this is the kid who put a bullet in his dead mom’s brain, let’s not forget. Rick manages to squawk out the word “Carl” and his son realizes he’s still alive. Carl accepts that he can’t survive alone.
4. Michonne has excellent tracking skills.
Michonne goes on a bit of a vision quest, trailing her pet zombies through a herd of walkers. Finally, she snaps and takes out the entire swarm with her wicked katana skills. She shakes herself back to reality and manages to track Rick and Carl, first back to the BBQ shack where the proprietor was named Joe Jr. and didn’t have the balls to kill himself before turning into a zombie, and then finally to the house where the Grimeses are shacking up. She knocks on the window. It’s for you, Carl.
5. We have no idea what happened to anyone else.
No sign of our other friends. We have no clue what’s up with Maggie, Glenn, Daryl or anyone else we know. And we assume Carol’s still out there somewhere, hopefully leading a posse of Amazonian lady survivors. And no sign of Lilly, who definitely killed the Governor, nor her sister Tara who fled the whole battle. O zombie survivors, where are thou?