Every year, millions of viewers tune in to the Golden Globes Awards for one reason. It’s not to see movie and TV stars weigh in on current events and pitch charitable causes. It isn’t to help guess which way the Oscars wind will blow regarding the Best Picture or Actor categories, or to settle a bet about which TV show you binge-watched is better. It’s not even the second-hand thrill of basking in Hollywood’s red-carpet glitz and glamor. No, we annually plunk ourselves down on the couch for the Double G’s because it’s a chance to watch celebrities get drunk. Like, did-they-remember-cameras-are-on-them kind of trashed. And when the 74th edition airs at 8 p.m. EST (5 p.m. PST) this Sunday, January 8th, we don’t expect them to be any less sodden than usual. That open bar apparently comes in very handy when you’re stuck at a six-hour awards show.
But why, pray tell, should the inebriation be confined merely to the Beverly Hilton? As a public service, we at Rolling Stone have devised our official 2017 Golden Globe Awards Drinking Game – a guide for getting into the mindset of a typical famous-person attendee. As we’ve said many, many times before, we do not condone binge-drinking, but some things are simply too long and painful to endure stone-cold sober. The rules are below, and they are expected to be followed to the letter – or at least until medical attention becomes a necessity. Please watch this awards show responsibly, America. And we’ll be sipping from a delicious glass of rare quintuple-distilled vodka (virtually) right beside you.
Drink the FIRST TIME:
1. This year’s host Jimmy Fallon “slow jams” the year in movie/TV news.
2. Jimmy Fallon makes a self-effacing joke about ruffling Trump’s hair.
3. Someone else makes a joke about Fallon ruffling Trump’s hair that metaphorically draws blood.
4. Someone makes a “2016 was terrible” joke.
5. Someone makes a Trump joke and/or does an impression (take a bonus drink if that someone is Alec Baldwin).
6. Someone gets very, very serious about Donald Trump.
7. There’s a La La Land musical parody number. (Make it a double if it involves Fallon awkwardly trying to do a musical theater number with Emma Stone.)
8. There’s a People vs. O.J. Simpson parody. (Make it a double if it involves Fallon cracking up at his own joke during said parody.)
9. Someone compares the real world to Game of Thrones (“We’re living in, like, Westeros, people!”)
10. Someone compares the real world to Stranger Things (“We’re living in, like, the Upside Down, people!”)
11. Someone compares the real world to Westworld (“We’re all actually, like, robots, people!”)
Drink EVERY time:
12. Someone disparages the Oscars in relation to how much more “fun” the Globes are.
13. Someone says TV can hold its own against movies now.
14. Someone says movies still hold their own against TV.
15. Someone says we need movies and/or TV now “more than ever!”
16. One or both of the presenters are from a currently airing NBC show.
17. There’s a joke about the Russians hacking the Golden Globe results. (Make it a double if the joke is spoken by/makes references to anyone currently starring on The Americans or Mr. Robot.)
18. Someone quotes Hamilton. (Finish the whole glass if that person is nominee Lin-Manuel Miranda and finish the bottle if he is improvising a rap on the spot.)
19. A presenter mixes up the titles of The Night Manager and The Night Of.
20. Ben Affleck and Matt Damon appear on-stage together, or in the same shot, or in consecutive reaction shots.
21. Ben Affleck makes a self-deprecating joke about Batman v Superman.
22. Someone makes a Brangelina divorce joke.
23. Someone attempts a Boston accent while talking about Manchester by the Sea.
24. Someone tries to imitate Natalie Portman’s Jackie accent.
25. Someone makes a joke about how many celebrities here are drunk.
26. Someone slurs a joke about actually being drunk.
27. Anna Kendrick sings.
28. Anna Kendrick scrunches up her nose.
29. A British actor wins and isn’t there to accept the award.
30. Rogue One‘s K-2SO shows up.
31. Presenter Sylvester Stallone makes a joke about Trump, the NEA or Arnold Schwarzenegger.
32. Someone makes a joke about the fact that nobody knows who’s in the Hollywood Foreign Press.
33. A winner pays tribute to the real-life person he or she played.
34. A winner says, “Considering all the terrible things happening in the world, it seems weird to be accepting an award …”
35. A winner accidentally thanks “the Academy” instead of the members of the Hollywood Foreign Press.
36. Someone suggests, “There was nothing in film and television this year that was as riveting/crazy/dramatic/horrifying as the presidential election.”
37. Lifetime Achievement Award recipient Meryl Streep looks bored – but gracious.
38. There’s a joke about how Streep doesn’t need any more awards.
39. There’s a clip in Streep’s highlight reel that shows her in a performance where she’s using an accent. (Please consult your doctor before taking this one on.)
40. Someone wonders what the hell is Deadpool doing in the awards lineup.
41. Ryan Reynolds makes a self-deprecating face that suggests he’s wondering “what the hell is Deadpool doing in the awards lineup?”
42. Ryan Reynolds shows up in his Deadpool costume.
BONUS ROUND! TAKE A SHOT OF PAPPY VAN WINKLE 20-YEAR BOURBON WHENEVER:
43. If Fallon or any of the presenters dresses up as Eleven from Stranger Things.
44. Moonlight gets shut out
45. La La Land gets shut out.
46. The People v. O.J. Simpson gets shut out.
47. Deadpool wins anything.