20 Funniest Jokes From 'One Night Only: Alec Baldwin' Roast - Rolling Stone
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20 Funniest Jokes From Spike’s ‘One Night Only: Alec Baldwin’ Roast

From anger-issue digs to the Man of the Hour himself dishing out payback, these were the best burns of the evening

20 Funniest Lines From Spike's 'One Night Only: Alec Baldwin' Roast20 Funniest Lines From Spike's 'One Night Only: Alec Baldwin' Roast

The 20 funniest jokes from Spike's no-holds-barred 'One Night Only: Alec Baldwin' roast – from political digs to OMG zingers.

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Alec Baldwin has been dominating pop culture headlines for the last year thanks to his trumped up impression of America’s current Commander-in-chief. On Sunday, the laughs came at the star’s expense, as friends and former co-stars roasted the 59-year-old actor in the Spike TV special One Night Only: Alec Baldwin. Taped on stage last month at New York City’s Apollo Theater, the show didn’t have quite the same bite as the famed Comedy Central roasts. But there were a few notable burns from those in attendance, including Robert De Niro, Tracy Morgan, Bill Clinton, Julianne Moore and Baldwin himself. Here are 20 of the best lines of the evening.

“Before I met Alec I was a little racist. But after working with Alec, I stopped being racist because now I know white people families are just as fucked up as black people families.” – Tracy Morgan
Like most of the evening’s roasters, Morgan made sure to get a jab in about the Baldwin clan’s very public family feuds.

“All of us used to say that 30 Rock was like the Starship Enterprise. Tina was Captain Kirk. Alec was Scotty. I was the black dude who got edited out the show because I kept getting Uhura pregnant.” – Tracy Morgan
If there’s one thing Morgan loves, it’s trying to get people pregnant.

“Alec and I are really like brothers. He and I have so much in common: I used to drink, he used to drink. I used to smoke weed, he used to do drugs. I had a horrible car accident that almost ended my career, he had his MSNBC talk show.” – Tracy Morgan
To be fair, Baldwin’s short-lived MSNBC program was pretty bad.

“A lot of people think Alex has a short temper, but I would never say that because he would immediately beat the shit out of me. I’m so sorry to cuss. I must sound like an Alec Baldwin voicemail.” – Jack McBrayer
Alec’s 30 Rock co-star – better known as Kenneth the Page – tried to stick with his overtly nice guy schtick. Nice try.

“There are advantages to being married to a man Alec’s age. For one thing, he’s a wonderful grandfather to our children.” – Hilaria Baldwin
Hilaria married Alec, 26 years her senior, in 2012.

“Our other brother Stephen… couldn’t be here tonight. He is on as guard duty at Trump Tower.” – Daniel Baldwin
Stephen Baldwin, the youngest Baldwin brother, is a noted Donald Trump supporter. He apparently hasn’t spoken to Alec since the election.

“Many of you are surprised to see me here honoring Alec Baldwin. Many of you are surprised to see anyone here honoring Alec Baldwin.” – Robert De Niro
Considering De Niro’s work of late, is it really all that surprising to see him on stage at a comedy roast?

“Remember The Hunt for Red October? What a different time the Nineties were. Russia was our enemy, Alec Baldwin was a movie star.” – Robert De Niro
In a nod to intelligence reports that Russia tried to hack the U.S. presidential election, De Niro throws in a dig to Baldwin’s thriller about a rogue Russian nuclear submarine captain.

“He gets inside the roles he plays and hangs on. In 1992, in Glengarry Glen Ross, he played a smug asshole and he’s never broken character.” – Robert De Niro
Coffee is for closers, people.

“This is pretty much an open secret in Hollywood: If you work with him, you are guaranteed to win an Oscar. Alec played my husband in Still Alice, for which I won the Academy Award for best actress. Cate Blanchett was married to him in Blue Jasmine and she won the Academy Award for best actress. Kim Basinger was married to him in real life and she won best supporting actress. In 1988, Geena Davis played his wife in Beetlejuice, and later that same year she wins an Oscar for another movie. That’s how strong his mojo is. I wouldn’t be surprised at all if this year, Melania Trump walks away with best supporting. It’s like a superpower, his ability to deliver the Oscar. It works for everybody, except for him.” — Julianne Moore
An interesting piece of trivia from Moore, as well as another nod to Baldwin’s portrayal of Melania’s husband.

Some of you may remember me as that thoughtless little pig you read about. That was a decade ago, and my dad and I are in a much better place now. He would never say something like that. Because I’m 6’2″ and I would kick his ass.” – Ireland Baldwin
Ireland, Baldwin’s 21-year-old daughter, came out on stage and immediately made fun of the infamous 2007 voicemail her dad left, where he called her a pig.

“I have actually seen a couple of my dad’s films from when he was younger, and he was really good looking. I am serious: Have you seen Backdraft?” – Ireland Baldwin
The joke: It was Billy, not Alec, who starred in Ron Howard’s 1991 firefighter drama.

“He ended up going to George Washington for two years, ran for student body president, then came back home to New York where he followed the then-classic path, from politics into soap operas. Now that we know it works the other way around, you need to think about running again. You’ll probably win the next time.” – Bill Clinton
Clinton with the nod to our current President, who went from reality television soap operas to the top office in the land.

“This is for you, Bob, and whatever legacy-killing rom com you’re working on right now.” – Alec Baldwin
For what it’s worth, the legendary star of Dirty Grandpa seemed to really enjoy the joke.

“I’m humbled that my esteemed peers came here tonight for no other reason but to honor me at a minimum of $50,000 each.” – Alec Baldwin
Because what kind of self-righteous celebrity shows up to an event like this if there isn’t some scratch involved?

“My thanks to Tracy Morgan. Nothing feels more right than you honoring me on stage at the Apollo. I know how uncomfortable you feel in Harlem, afraid you’ll run into someone you owe money to.” – Alec Baldwin
The irony of a white actor being honored at the historic Apollo Theater in Harlem by a black comedian is not lost on Baldwin.

“Lorne Michaels couldn’t be here. He was trapped under a pile of money he made off of all our backs.” – Alec Baldwin
Baldwin has been making regular appearances on Saturday Night Live for almost three decades.

“Jack McBrayer, thanks so much for being here, once again you’ve turned in an impeccable minor performance. After watching you tonight I am reminded of something I told you late night while we were shooting 30 Rock: You have no business doing comedy. None. Seriously. You should be a museum guide or working in a petting zoo. With Jack, it’s such a pleasant surprise to see you tonight. Like most of America who watched 30 Rock, I thought I’d never see you again.” – Alec Baldwin
Poor Jack McBrayer.

“Thanks for being here Julianne, you were fantastic in yet another role where you died. You look lovely. Are the lights too bright, honey? I know how easily you burn.” – Alec Baldwin
Baldwin isn’t joking about Moore’s on-screen deaths: She’s died in 15 of her films.

“It’s always great to see my brothers, and since they’re here I am assuming this show is being released direct to video. What can I say about my brother Daniel that hasn’t already been said dozens of times in police reports? And Billy, you’re younger than I, but you’re more than just a brother, you’re a potential organ donor.” – Alec Baldwin
An accurate burn from the eldest Baldwin: His younger brothers have a penchant for starring in some grade-Z straight-to-video fare. Let’s hope Alec doesn’t need a new kidney after that joke.

From “Gina” trade deals to beating ISIS with Siri, here are Alec Baldwin’s most spot-on Donald Trump impressions. Watch here.

In This Article: Alec Baldwin


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