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Swearing-In: 25 Great ‘Veep’ Insults

In honor of the HBO satire’s Season Three premiere, here’s some of the show’s most scathing burns

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Over the course of two seasons, HBO's political comedy Veep has turned the act of insulting into an art form. Yes, you'll occasionally catch one of this satire's various senators, secretaries, suck-ups and even the put-upon V.P. (played by the incomparable Rolling Stone cover star Julia Louis-Dreyfus) indulging in something as simplistic as calling someone an "asshole." But thanks to showrunner Armando Iannucci and his writers — most of whom worked on the similarly scathing British-politico comedy The Thick of It and its cinematic offshoot, In the Loop (2009) — the series has offered up some of the most eloquent, complex and devastatingly hilarious shit-talking ever heard on TV. And with a Season Three storyline involving Selina Meyer prepping a Presidential campaign ("Operation: Lady POTUS"), chances are good that an even more rapid-fire slew of disses await as the stakes get even higher.

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So, in anticipation of the show's return on April 6th, we've compiled 25 of the show's most cutting, crass insults. (To be fair, a few of these are backhanded compliments — extremely backhanded — but we're counting them as affronts nonetheless.) Those easily offended should tread with caution. Everyone else, prepare yourself for some primo poetic put-downs. And be sure to check out the supercut version of this list as well.

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25. The Book of S**t

"It's like if there were a book with covers made of shit, then you’d think, that’s intriguing, I wonder what’s in this book that people saw fit to give it covers made from pure shit. But then you open it up and it's just…shit."-Amy on Dan (Season One, Episode One: "Fundraiser")

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24. Pregnancy Slam

"Are you pregnant? Careerwise, that's like joining Scientology or getting a fucking neck tattoo!"-Dan to Amy (Season One, Episode Six: "Baseball")

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23. Stats Dictator

"Kent Davison…[he's] the Pol Pot of pie charts!"-Dan on ruthless senior strategist Kent Davison (Season Two, Episode One: "Midterms")

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21. Simian Surgeon

"Listen to this! This is fucking like being operated on by a chimp with a hard-on and a hacksaw!"-Jonah on the black metal band he and Dan see live (Season One, Episode Five: "Nicknames")

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20. Snoozer of the House

"Is she sleeping? She can not fall asleep on live TV, not on C-SPAN…the irony would be too huge."-Amy on the insomnia-curing cable channel (Season One, Episode Five: "Nicknames")

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19. D-Talks

"Okay, Every Which Way But Douche, why don't you answer my question?"-Leon "The Beltway Butcher" West to Mike (Season One, Episode Six: "Baseball")

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18. Stink Again

"I'm covered in scabs and smell like a hobo’s craphole."-Selina Meyers, describing herself after a "fun run" (Season Two, Episode Nine: "Running")

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17. Your Mom!

"Like your mom, it's been previously loved and paid for by a couple of guys."-Mike describing his used jeep to Dan (Season Two, Episode Two: "Signals")

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16. Fulltime Employment

"I'd make more money if I installed Will here as a fulltime gloryhole greeter in a Georgetown gay bar, which I'm pretty sure he already does part time."-Senator Roger Furlong on his assistant, Will (Season One, Episode Eight: "Tears")

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15. Use Your Deadhead

"The Grateful Dead…that's the name of your favorite whorehouse as well, right Mike?"-Dan, on hearing that Mike is a deadhead (Season One, Episode Four: "Chung")

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14. Womb Service

"Well, this is bigger than your mother's womb, and you were in there until you were 15."-Sue to Jonah (Season Two, Episode Seven: "Shutdown")

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13. Art Damaged

"You're the secretary to the Vice-President…that's like being Garfunkel's roadie."– Ed Webster on Sue's position on the government totem pole (Season Two, Episode Ten: "D.C.")

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12. Surprise Party

"'I think there's going to be a lot of surprises tonight'…isn't that the catchphrase of the world's creepiest babysitter?"-Amy on Senator Roger Furlong (Season Two, Episode One: "Midterms")

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11. Pet Peeve

"Are we seriously going to let the guy with the police-sketch face of a rapist tell us what to do?"-Catherine on Jonah, after he suggests assassinating her dog (Season One, Episode Three: "Catherine")

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10. So That’s What D.C. Stands For

"That's Washington D.C. for you…District of Cunts!"-Selina on our nation's capitol (Season Two, Episode Ten: "D.C.")

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9. Just a Little Brit

"What was up with that British reporter? They'll sell nude pics of their grandmothers for a glass of hot beer."-Amy on one particularly horrible Fleet-Street flack (Season Two, Episode Five: "Helsinki")

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8. Southern Inhospitality

"It's not going to be easy with this big gangly pissflap who moves like…hey, what do you move like?" "I move as slowly as a Mississippi detective investigating the murder of a young black man, sir."-Senator Roger Furlong and his aide, Will (Season Two, Episode Ten: "D.C.")

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7. Hand Over Fist

"If you can get a senate reform bill through the place it's designed to reform…that would be like persuading a guy to fist himself."-Senator Andrew Doyle on Selina's proposal for filibuster reform (Season One, Episode Two: "Frozen Yoghurt")

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6. F**K Off, Jonah

"Settle something for me, Jonah. You like to have sex and you like to travel? Then you can fuck off."-Selina to Jonah (Season Two, Episode Ten: "D.C.")

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5. Fire Ants

"You know, you're about as annoying as a condom filled with fire ants."-Senator Roger Furlong to his long-suffering aide, Will (Season Two, Episode Two: "Signals")

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4. Baked Goods

"That's trying to use a croissant as dildo…it doesn't do the job and it makes a fucking mess!"-Selina, upon finding out that Dan tried to get information from Jonah (Season One, Episode Five: "Nicknames")

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3. Dead Things

"Imagine something small has crawled up a dead cow's ass, and that small thing actually dies itself. If that dead thing then farted out a sack of eggs but each individual egg is a smaller, rotting dead thing…that's how toxic she is."-Jonah, on Selina's approval ratings (Season One, Episode Eight: "Tears")

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2. Skeleton Key

"You're not even a man…you’re like an early draft of a man, where they just sketched out a giant mangled skeleton but they didn't have time to add details, like pigment or self-respect. You're Frankenstein's monster, if his monster was made entirely of dead dicks."– Amy's boyfriend Ed Webster to Jonah (Season Two, Episode Six: "Andrew")

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1. Nicknames

"Grizzly Madam, She-Ra, Meyer the Liar, The Batcave, Pissface…The Wicked Witch of the West Wing, Veep Throat, Voldemeyer, Dickless Van Dyke, Tawdry Hepburn, Blunder Woman, Vaselina, Betty Poop…"-Mike, listing Selina's various online nicknames (Season One, Episode Five: "Nicknames")

In This Article: Julia Louis-Dreyfus, Veep

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