"I will convey to you through a moving personal anecdote from my life. It will be a story that seems like it won't be immediately relevant to you, and you'll probably tune out for most of it, but by the end, it'll have a really deep message," the comedian says, mocking the commencement speech formula. "It's really gonna hit you. I swear, you're gonna feel it. It's gonna be so dope."
From there, Buress talks to graduates about college loans ("You don't have to worry about the 'Freshman 15' because you most likely won't be able afford food"), jobs and college romances ("This is the end. It's over. It's done. It's not happening.")
Buress then spent roughly eight of his commencement speech's 12 minutes talking about Martin Lawrence character's career arc in the sitcom Martin – "Martin's working for the burger joint first, then he's a mailman, then he started buffing floors, eventually he ended up working on a TV show, which he later ended up hosting because he persevered… none of you will probably get that lucky" – and ruminating on the college's football team.
"The real world is terrible, but if you want to keep running for two-to-six more years, there's always grad school," Buress told the Class of 2017. "Just know, it's statistically impossible for all of you to succeed. That's just life. So good luck, or whatever."