Watch Stephen Colbert Rise as King After Stock Market Glitch - Rolling Stone
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Watch Stephen Colbert Rise as King After Stock Market Glitch

New ‘Late Show’ host ponders humanity’s face after disastrous day on stock market in ‘Apocalypse Dow’

Early production on The Late Show With Stephen Colbert came to a screeching halt Wednesday as United Airlines flights were grounded, the New York Stock Exchange went dark and dogs began walking on two legs — mass hysteria! Amidst the computer-bred chaos, though, Colbert sought safety in his office and recorded a dire, desperate message pondering humanity’s new fate.

“I have to wonder if there’s anyone left alive to see this broadcast,” Colbert said. “For all I know, I’m the last celebrity alive on earth and the apes have taken over the talk shows. But if apes are the new people, who are the new apes? Dogs? They’re not ready for that kind of responsibility!”

Colbert went on to lament mankind’s fragility and dependence on technology (such as that second fridge in the garage), but soon realized it was up to him to lead this brave new world. He displayed his treasures — including “over 60 bags of snackable chip” — and introduced his new queen, Vindaloo, a chicken who stayed remarkably calm in Colbert’s arms for almost the entire clip.

The new Late Show host went on to promise he would be a fair king, not some movie tyrant — but he did spray chrome on the face of a Fury Road-esque War Boy and demand he bring back the head of the false prophet, Jim Cramer. “That was my intern Andro,” Colbert explained. “He’s a good guy. He’s earning college credit.”

Prepared, finally, to assume his role as leader, Colbert promised to disseminate weekly edicts from his bunker before kicking back and counting his trove of K-Cups — until he realized, he had no Keurig.

“That’s not fair. That’s not fair at all — there was time now, there was all the time I needed,” Colbert said, paraphrasing Burgess Meredith in the famous Twilight Zone episode “Time Enough At Last.” Though unlike Meredith, Colbert ended the clip wallowing in both abject misery and pumpkin-flavored coffee.

The Late Show With Stephen Colbert begins September 8th on CBS.

In This Article: Stephen Colbert


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