In theory, John Cena went on The Tonight Show to promote his new movie, Sisters. He never thought he’d end up murdering his inner child in the process.
Yes, things definitely took a turn during the former WWE champ’s appearance last night, and it all began with one word from host Jimmy Fallon: “Love.” As soon as Cena heard it, he was sent tumbling down a rabbit hole of shattered memories and pent-up rage, performed in a soliloquy complete with soft lighting, lingering close-ups, stories about Stacy Henderson – Cena’s childhood girlfriend who left him out to dry by moving to California – and the worst rendition of Adele’s “Hello” that you’ll ever hear.
“Love. Love. What’s love? Is it a feeling? Is it a thing?” Cena asked. “Maybe it’s that voice in your head that says ‘Go for it all, buddy. If you fall, I’ll catch you.’ Cut to schoolyard playground, 1984.”
Oh, and he wasn’t done. A befuddled Fallon managed to snap Cena out of his funk momentarily, but soon, he was diving right back into a monologue.
“If the opposite of right is wrong, and the opposite of right is left and left makes an ‘L’ for love, does that mean that love is wrong?” Cena continued. “Stop telling yourself that, Johnny! You’ll never be happy. You’re just running around in circles like a dog chasing his own tail.”
That cued a flashback to his childhood dog and a conversation with his inner child – played by YouTuber Troye Sivan, the musical guest for the night – before Cena decided to complete the transformation by murdering him.
“I’ve finally done it,” he shouted triumphantly. “My inner child is dead. Now I can become a man.”
We’re not sure why Sivan had to die – after all, earlier in the day, Cena already proved he was a man when he slammed Donald Trump’s anti-Muslim rhetoric during a Today show appearance. Shame the Donald wasn’t around for an actual bodyslam, too.