Welcome back to another installment of Rolling Stone‘s Everything Index, our weekly pop-culture power rankings!
One week after Rihanna shot to the top of the chart thanks to her sparkly (and practically see-through) dress, we’ve got a new #1 – but don’t worry, Rih Rih is still representing. There’s also a batshit baby name, a black-belt beauty queen, Bill Watterson and people giving birth in the woods.
After crunching the numbers, and pouring over our advanced algorithims, here’s our list of the pop-culture power players that will surely dominate the next seven days. Apologies in advance to Lil’ Kim’s baby girl, who unquestionably deserves better than this.
1. Lil’ Kim Names Her Daughter “Royal Reign:” This is the first time the words “Lil’ Kim” and “reign” have been used in the same sentence since 2005.
3. Rihanna and Chris Martin: One week after ushering prepubescent boys into manhood with nearly-nude red carpet outfit, Rih Rih gives hope to nerdy white guys everywhere by going on a dinner date with the Coldplay frontman. Entirety of Rolling Stone office straightens their ties in unison.
5. Luigi: Mario’s slightly younger brother finally gets some shine, as “Death Stare” meme goes massive. You can only force a man to wear green for so long.
6. Rappers at the Tony Awards: Diabolical Australian MC Hugh Jackman shares the stage with LL Cool J and T.I. during cringe-inducing Tonys bit. At this point, is there an award show LL hasn’t embarrassed himself at?
7. Nicki Minaj’s “Pills N Potions” Video: Hip hop’s Harajuku Girl ditches the shtick in stripped-down new clip. The entire special effects budget went to the Game’s beard.
8. Louie‘s Stoner Epic: Louis C.K. takes one-week hiatus from totally bumming us out to unspool sweetly stoic film-length parable about the perils of marijuana, his awkward early teens. Jeremy Renner shows up as a dealer, just in case you were wondering how Hawkeye affords all those arrows.
9. Rise of the Tomb Raider: Pneumatic video game heroine Lara Croft to return in 2015. Avid gamers’ little tomb raiders rose just as soon as they heard the news.
11. Wondo: U.S. Soccer’s cult hero goes from volunteer youth-league coach to spot on the World Cup squad, beating out Landon Donovan in the process. Equally inspiring? His commitment to tanning.
12. Psy’s “Hangover:” South Korean sensation’s aptly named new single leaves us feeling like we just drank bleach. Pass the Advil.
13. Orange is the New Black: Season Two of Netflix prison drama saps our weekend, and our reviewer’s will to watch anything else. Shout out to Miss Rosa for ridin’ dirty.
14. “The Coward’s Way Out:” California Chrome’s old-coot owner blasts Belmont winner Tonalist for skipping first two legs of Triple Crown, unwittingly reveals the title of our autobiography.
15. TimeWalk: Super-creepy “3D virtual reality platform” promises to reanimate deceased relatives as avatars, comes with even creepier YouTube promo clip. We’re not entirely sure how it works, but we know it makes us even more terrified of dying. Swear to Bodgan Deaky.
16. Sir Mix-a-Lot with the Seattle Symphony: Baby got Bach?
17. Giving Birth in the Woods: Lifetime announces reality series about pregnant women delivering in nature, people predictably flip out. How is this any more disgusting than Duck Dynasty?
18. Bill Watterson Returns: Reclusive Calvin and Hobbes creator makes secret return to comic strips. Big deal, we’ve been following his work on the back windows of Ford F-150s for years now.
20. James Franco’s Bungalow 89: Actor wants to make it very clear he did not sleep with Lindsay Lohan. Got it, guys?