The Everything Index: Say It Ain’t So, Jon Stewart!

Welcome to another edition of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our midweek rankings of pop-culture’s power players and purveyors of fake news.

We’re not gonna lie; today is a bit of a bummer. Not only are we facing a future without Jon Stewart (and a weekend of Facebook posts about Fifty Shades of Grey), but we’re forced to feign interest in Kanye West’s latest tantrum while avoiding robot servants that want to kill us. Sometimes this shit ain’t easy.

So before our Keurig machine turns on us, let’s get to our midweek hit list: the good, the bad and Everything in between. It’s time to do some Indexing.

1. Jon Stewart Leaving The Daily Show: National treasure announces he’s ending his triumphant run after nearly two decades. Craig Kilborn releases statement thanking Stewart “for keeping my chair warm.”

2. KanyeBeckGate: Irate Kanye kinda storms the Grammy stage after Beck beats Beyoncé for Album of the Year, launches into post-show tirade about “artistry.” Jesus, do we really have to do this again?

3. Brian Williams: NBC News puts B.Will on ice for six months (without pay) following admission he embellished his role in a helicopter incident during the Iraq War. Cut him some slack; his daughter starred in Peter Pan Live! – the fiery crashes start to blend together after a while.

4. Spider-Man Comes to Marvel: Sony and Marvel Studios announce that the web slinger will finally become a part of the comic book giant’s cinematic universe. Imagine the merchandising potential!

5. Father John Misty’s I Love You, Honeybear: The artist formerly known as J. Tillman falls in love, gets married, makes the best album of 2015. And we’re not just saying that because he once wrote an “Everything Index” for us. Sarcastic, self-effacing and sanguine, Honeybear is full of music for fatalists to fall in love to.

6. 50 Shades of Grey: Slash-fiction S&M flick finally arrives in theaters this weekend. Fans are pumped, which means you might want to bring a lint roller to remove all the cat hair from the seats.

7. Robot Vacuum Attacks! Napping Korean woman is mauled by bloodthirsty cleaning machine. This is just the beginning, people.

8. The End of the Big Bang Theory: New quantum equation posits that the universe has actually existed forever, kind of like the show. Bazinga!

9. Leo Is Back on the Model Train: Like the swallows returning to Capistrano, DiCaprio comes back to his spiritual home: The lips of an anonymous model.

10. This Parrot From a Broken Home: Moluccan cockatoo named Peaches is permanently scarred by her former owners, keeps repeating the fights that led to their divorce. Welcome to the club, girl.