Greetings, perverts! Bet you didn’t think Google would bring you here, did you?
Welcome to Rolling Stone‘s Everything Index, where we rank the week’s pop-culture power players, the majority of which are fully clothed. Of course, Miley isn’t, and thanks to her tremendous achievements in topless desert exploration, she ranks #1 on our list.
Of course, she had plenty of competition…everything from major shakeups in the Simpsons universe to dancing despots. Here’s our power rankings for the week. And, Miley, please remember to use sunscreen.
3. The Rock: The jabroni formerly known as Rocky Maivia has inexplicably become the most popular man on the planet. Sure, Hercules is probably terrible, yet it almost doesn’t matter.
4. 5 Seconds of Summer: They’re a band or something.
5. Last Week Tonight with John Oliver: HBO’s brilliant Brit is killing it, covering issues like America’s prison system and Uganda’s anti-gay laws. Behold, the student has become the master.
6. San Diego Comic-Con: Annual Gathering of the Virgins kicks off on Thursday, if you’re wondering why no one’s answering the phone in IT.
7. Weezer’s “Back to the Shack:” America’s foremost bad-posture rockers get self-referential on new single, long for a return to simpler times. Hey, we’d like to forget everything after Pinkerton too.
8. “Weird Al” Yankovic: Patron Saint of Parody battles it out with Jason Mraz for #1 album on the Billboard charts. As if you needed another reason to dislike Mr. A-Z.
9. Kanye’s New Album: Follow-up to Yeezus is coming out in September, but the batshit interviews begin now.
10. Paul’s Boutique: Beastie Boys’ classic turns 25 on Friday. To celebrate, we’re gonna call 718-498-1043 all day and ask for Janice.
12. Botched: Bad boob jobs, grisly surgery footage and the brother of late Quiet Riot frontman Kevin Dubrow doing consultations? It’s either the greatest reality TV show, or the worst. Probably both.
13. Fred Durst’s eHarmony Commercial: Limp Bizkit frontman directs spot for online dating site. Keep trollin’, trollin’, trollin’, trollin’.
14. Sansa Stark in the New Bastille Video: Eddard and Catelyn’s eldest daughter stars in clip for “Oblivion.” Arya’s holding out for the next Libertines vid.
15. Mistaken For Strangers: Zach Galifianakis and Ted Danson star in fictional stage adaptation of the National’s heartfelt doc. Hurry up and make the Bored to Death film already.
16. Tamra on the Real Housewives of Orange County: 40-something toddler attempts to summon tears from cauterized ducts with hilarious results. Score one for science.
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17. The Strain‘s Wig Controversy: Probably the most compelling thing about this dumb show.
19. Drenge: Not a viral outbreak, but two brothers from England who make fuzzy, buzzy, slow-churning rock & roll. So good they once made a member of Parliament resign. For real.
20. White Flags on the Brooklyn Bridge: NYC baffled by appearance of white flags atop the Brooklyn Bridge. Maybe the hipsters are finally surrendering?