Welcome to another edition of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our midweek rankings of pop-culture’s power players.
In this installment, we disprove the adage that you can’t teach an old dog new tricks – after all, Billy Joel is playing Bonnaroo, and there’s an actual old dog in Seattle that learned how to ride the bus – while, at the same time, discover that perhaps there’s a reason the saying has stood the test of time (take Miley Cyrus’ new magazine shoot, for example). Either way, it’s been another wild week, and it’s only Wednesday.
So before Billy backs out, let’s get to this week’s chart: the good, the bad and Everything in between. It’s time to do some Indexing.
1. Miley Cyrus in V Magazine: In a shocking turn of events, she knits a shawl, reads select passages from Joan Didion’s 1961 essay “Self-Respect: Its Source, Its Power.” Just kidding, she’s naked again.
2. Billy Joel at Bonnaroo: Much anticipated, especially since there’s a 50/50 chance Billy signed up thinking “Bonnaroo” was an Italian restaurant in Massapequa.
3. Eclipse, the Bus-Riding Dog: Adorable Seattle pooch figures out how to ride the bus all by herself, something Kim Kardashian still can’t do.
5. Panda Bear Meets the Grim Reaper: Noah Lennox’s latest blends big beats with sea shanties, is most definitely the album we’re taking with us on this weekend’s Psilocybin-aided, nautical-themed vision quest.
6. 2 Chainz vs. Nancy Grace: America’s foremost paranoid smoke-blower gets all self-righteous about marijuana legalization, drops the phrases like “big, fat doobie” and “smokin’ California weed with California whores.” 2 Chainz was also there.
7. Mike Huckabee vs. Beyoncé: Former minister/potential 2016 GOP presidential candidate chastises the Obamas for allowing their daughters to listen to Bey’s “Drunk in Love.” As if that’s any more harmful than Capitol Offense‘s note-for-note cover of Big Black’s Songs About Fucking.
8. Oscar Nominations: After the Golden Globes threw this year’s race wide open, anything can happen. Get ready, Adam Sandler, your work in Blended will finally receive the attention it so richly deserved.
9. “Tech Neck”: Dermatologists discover that smartphones cause sagging skin, wrinkles and the formation of a crease just above the collarbone. Good thing no one on social media is obsessed with the way they look.
10. Peyton Manning: Future Hall of Fame QB stinks it up in the playoffs, may be contemplating retirement. Hopefully, he’s been contributing to his Papa John’s 401k.