Welcome to another edition of Rolling Stone‘s “Everything Index,” our midweek rankings of pop culture’s power players and watch makers.
Yes, after months of speculation, we finally know when we can get our hands on Apple’s shiny new timepiece thingy – how we’re going to afford one is another matter entirely. Still, that didn’t stop us from putting the Apple Watch atop this week’s list, ahead of Kim Kardashian’s new hair color, The Bachelor finale, Iggy Azalea’s self-imposed Instagram hiatus and a Georgia case involving goat theft. Honestly, we can’t believe it either.
So while we idly stare at our naked wrists, let’s get to our midweek hit list: The good, the bad and Everything in between. Let’s do some Indexing.
1. The Apple Watch: Latest unnecessary iAccessory debuts April 24. Now you don’t need a Purity Ring to tell the world you’re a virgin.
3. The ‘Blurred Lines’ Lawsuit: Jury decides Robin Thicke and Pharrell ripped off Marvin Gaye’s “Got to Give It Up,” awards his estate $7.3 million judgment. There goes Mike Seaver’s college fund.
4. Zoolander 2: Derek and Hansel walk the runway at Paris Fashion Week, announce sequel to cult classic, go on a selfie spree through City of Lights. At this point, it doesn’t matter if the film will be any good; they’re already Blue Steel-ing our hearts.
5. The Bachelor Finale: Chris Soules rails against tradition, picks the blonde one.
6. Racist Frat Bros in Oklahoma: Uproar after Sooner chapter of SAE fraternity is caught using racial slurs on camera. Almost as shocking? They apparently have cameras in Oklahoma.
8. Georgia’s Goat Thieves: Four teens charged with livestock theft after high school prom-prank goes awry. If this happened in Florida, they would’ve made the goat prom king.
9. Washington, D.C.’s Mystery Goo: Hazmat team can’t identify strange substance discovered in District residence. Are they sure it wasn’t John Boehner’s bronzer?
10. Iggy Azalea’s Instagram Respite: “Fancy” rapper ghosts on the ‘Gram, turns account over to her management team. It’s a slow week.