So that’s how the first season of Snooki & JWoww ends: not with a bang, but with a robot baby being forcibly and methodically fed carrot sticks. Seems about right. Seeing as how they have to shoot both Jersey Shore and another season of Snooki & JWoww together, it wouldn’t have made sense for a cataclysmic change in their lives. Instead, JWoww and Snooki amicably decide to live apart. JWoww opts move home as her relationship with Roger “can’t survive” in Jersey City, an observation which is . . . well, it’s not a great sign for those two, I’ll say that much. Snooki decides to move in with fiancé and baby daddy Jionni, which of course she does and, duh. The interesting, horrible twist for next season is that they have decided to live in his parents’ basement. I’d rather see them move into a sick penthouse and buy absurd baby things with her reality show millions, but hey, that’s why I’m writing this recap and not producing shows on MTV. If only I could do both!
While last night’s ep was just about as unclimactic as they come (They just move out! And they’re still buddies!), it did demonstrate once again what Snooki & JWoww could have been like if they had fully committed to what was actually interesting about the show: Snooki’s nervousness about childbirth and motherhood. More specifically, as she puts it, “I’m really worried about my vagina ripping to my asshole.” That is a very reasonable worry! I’m worrying about it right now, and I’m just sitting at my computer. I’m so worried, I’m starting to lose consciousness just thinking about it!
Snooki and JWoww somehow manage to stay lucid and cart their fake babies to birthing class. Why, in the name of everything that is reality-show holy, is this the first episode where they are going to birthing class? Were they just not able to fit it in earlier because they recorded this whole season in 72 hours? Because these girls are delivering gold here. “Does it feel like you’re pooping?” Snooki blurts out during class. As pregnant women are the exact people who will answer her personal brand of obtrusive biological queries, this scene is one of the best of the series. “They tell you it doesn’t so you don’t make the association: Oh, it’s a beautiful baby, it’s not a crap,'” one massively pregnant woman explains. “But that’s what it feels like.” Biology!
Luckily for us, that is the exact right answer for Snooki to hear. “I love pooping!” she thrills. “As long as I don’t poop on my baby, then I’m fine.” The fact that we only got this in the last episode of the season makes me want to poop with rage.
When the teacher attempts to explain a episiotomy on the white board, Snooki stares at her drawing. “The butt?” she asks. “The anal sphincter, yes,” the teacher admits. Lady, that ain’t any better! Look, I’m not mad we didn’t get to see Snooki take part in more Lamaze exercises or pregnant yoga classes on the show. I’m just really, really disappointed. Who cares about JWoww’s cooking skills when we could be talking about hilarious pregnancy facts? I know, I know – let it go. Maybe one day I will, but that day is not today.
Seeing as how they both have dealt with boyfriend drama during the show (well, one more than the other), the girls decide to switch boyfriends for the evening in the hopes that they’ll get to the bottom of their relationship problems. “I’m going to Barbara Walters that shit,” Snooki brags. On an unrelated note, have you noticed that neither of them is ever upright in their apartment? They lounge on that sofa and beanbag chair like their bones are made out of sweet, soft saltwater taffy, staring up at the duct-taped ceiling that will undoubtedly prevent them from getting their security deposit back.
Snooki surprises Roger on what he thought would be a date with JWoww and peppers him with deeply personal questions. “This is going to be an interrogation, but I welcome it,” he declares. Roger seemed to be sweating it a little, until I realized that was just his natural glisten. (Natural Glisten for Men by Roger: available constantly on Roger’s face.) Roger’s main problems with JWoww seem to be that she is a liar and doesn’t trust him, which again: yikes. “Also she could be a little more open about ass sex, but that’s it,” he laughs. Just as he cried a few weeks ago about not wanting to die alone, Roger seems to have a fairly insightful view of their relationship. He understands why Snooki might think he’s an asshole from time to time after his classic screaming matches with JWoww. “We get off the phone, then you see your best friend go lie down and cry,” he observes. Roger pledges eternal love to JWoww, but that was never really in question, was it? The question is more like, “How can we be a functional couple if telling you I can’t cancel my plans when you decide to come home from Cancún a day early appears to be a betrayal of cataclysmic proportions?” Snooki nods thoughtfully. “You guys are fucked up,” she concludes. “You’ll be fine. Hopefully.”
Meanwhile JWoww is getting real with Jionni. “What if she didn’t have the money?” she grills him. “What if this was three years ago?” Thank you! Any acknowledgement that they are sick rich is always appreciated, living in their parents’ basement. Luckily, Jionni seems like a decent human being and has the correct answer. “If I didn’t love her, there would be no point to this,” he sighs. “There’s no money that would be worth what I’ve been through.” Okay, what if the basement they live in was unfinished? Jionni and Snooki raising that baby next to the washer and dryer? I’m just throwing these gems out there, like beads of moisture scattering from Roger’s dewy, auburn brow.
So what’s the takeaway from Snooki & JWoww? I personally came to the conclusion that Snooki probably isn’t going to forget that baby in the bathroom in Karma, or leave it alone with the Situation, who would undoubtedly use it in one of his classic pranks (read: let the dogs poop on it). While she had plenty of moments of ditziness, furious irrationality and/or urinary tract infections on Jersey Shore, Snooki now seems like she can successfully bring a child into a world – albeit a child she will dye purple leopard print and stagger around with on six-inch heels. JWoww, on the other hand . . . I feel like the more they focus on her, the less I understand where she’s coming from. She was shocked to learn that Roger didn’t tell Snooki he was ready to bail on their relationship. Really? Just her big blank eyes staring. I don’t get it. Maybe the decision to move Snooki in with Jionni was good for a number of reasons. “Hopefully we’ll love each other madly and have hardly any problems until the day we die,” concludes Snooki. Yeah, okay, I’d watch another season of that. Plus, you know there will be so much talk of poop!