Last night’s episode picked up with the ladies moving into their gigantic new Jersey City apartment and… well, that’s basically it. They literally spend the episode moving in and cleaning the window sills.
After watching two long, languorous episodes of Snooki & JWoww, it occurs to me that the general rhythm of a Jersey Shore episode goes a little something like this: drink, fight, drink, have sex, drink, someone breaks into hysterical weeping, drink and so on into infinity. There is a familiar pattern. Seeing as how at least two of the above activities are off the table for pregnant Snooki, her spin-off still seems uncertain how to pace itself, how to adequately structure a 30-minute episode around wholesome activities like sighing, picking up dog poop and joking about Jionni’s height.
As a result (or possibly due to editing or a complete lack of visits to Karma), the carefree zaniness of Jersey Shore is just not here. Snooki and JWoww spent 60 percent of this week’s episode rolling their eyes in silent disgust at their boyfriends and at the burden of moving their luggage up the stairs. No one would ever associate Snooki with lethargy, but in her recent confessionals, she is practically entering REM. On the other hand, I do appreciate the time spent on Snooki’s bemused and befuddled parents. “Stop being so investigator,” she demands when her father prods her about her new lease. Yeah, come on! What father wouldn’t be proud that his pregnant, engaged daughter is moving in with her best female friend for a reality show?
All the men on the show offer a jovial counterpart to JWoww’s sour scowls and Snooki’s exhausted sighs, in fact. “Wait until it’s large and in charge,” Snooki protests as Jionni (who looks like a cross between a young Dean Martin and a Popple) happily paws at her belly. “You’re not going to have any fun,” Roger chides JWoww after she drops the bomb that her new roomie is both betrothed and with child. “Don’t make me twist your nipple,” she sighs in response. Already sensibly questioning her decision, JWoww identifies two dire warnings from the universe against her living with Snooks. First, her car starts leaking antifreeze. Second (and I shudder with terror just thinking about this), Roger’s car bottoms out when he’s transporting her luggage. The stars portend doom! (I kid, of course. The universe is just as lethargic as Snooki these days.)
Once Snooki and JWoww settle into the converted firehouse with a spiral staircase and massive closets that makes me want to peel off my skin with envy, it is virtually seconds before JWoww’s tiny, disobedient dogs start filling it with poop. “Either my dog shit or that dishwasher reeks,” JWoww muses. Seeing as how her dogs already live in a pink baby playpen, they might provide a fun way for the girls to prepare for an actual infant. Babies poop on the ground and bark all night, right? I probably should have read up on them before recapping this show…
That evening, their men come over for a visit and a massive argument breaks out about Roger attending Jionni’s Vegas bachelor party. Finally! JWoww doesn’t want any “dirty skanks” rubbing their “pussy fucking vagina” or “tits” on Roger’s face and, in all honesty, I don’t want that either. I don’t think anyone wants that. “People get divorced before they get married because of bachelor parties,” JWoww declares. “It comes down to trust, for starters,” Roger sighs in response. Snooki manages to throw JWoww under the bus (a third omen!) during their convo, claming Jionni “would leave me if I was like that” – “that” being a “psycho bitch” of a girlfriend. JWoww and Roger quarrel, but I think these two are going to make up. Hopefully before it’s too late! “Your sperm is getting old,” Snooki tells Roger. “I feel like there’s an age where your sperm won’t pregnant someone.” Yeah, I feel it too, girl.
The next morning is JWoww’s birthday, so Snooki sets a bagel on fire. Okay, so she actually put a candle into a bagel and lit it off the stovetop, but didn’t it look like she was just jamming the bagel into the pilot light? That would have been something. “I was going to get you a cupcake, but I didn’t get you any cupcakes,” Snooki says meekly, presenting her gift. I’d like to think it’s too early to be making proclamations about what this show is or isn’t but… yeah, that pretty much sums it up.
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All that being said, the sneak peek of next week’s episode has the goods. “Does it rip open between the vagina and the butt?” Snooki asks an extremely pregnant woman while shopping for maternity wear. “Oh yeah, it can,” Pregnant Lady informs her. “EW!” Snooki screams in terror. That’s what we want to see! An apartment is just an apartment (that makes me vomit at its beauty), but Snooki trying to use a breast pump is why we’re watching in the first place. Get to the sonogram already! Find out what Snooki thinks meconium is! Does she have any idea how much poop is about to be in that apartment? Well, does she? I’m delighted just thinking about her response!
LAST WEEK: You’re Probably Going to Make It After All