Saturday Night Live tackled Lori Loughlin and the college admissions scandal, the federal charges against Michael Avenatti and Julian Assange’s arrest with a cold open sketch that placed the Full House actress, played by Kate McKinnon, the celebrity lawyer, portrayed by Pete Davidson and the WikiLeaks founder, played by Michael Keaton, in a jail cell with violent felons.
“I’m the craziest dude in here,” Kenan Thompson’s prisoner warned. “Killed my neighbor then ate his fingers so they couldn’t ID the body.”
Loughlin then emerged from outside the camera’s view, “Oh yeah, you think that’s insane? I paid $500 grand to get my daughter into USC.”
The actress, who brandishes a shiv anytime someone behind bars calls her “Aunt Becky,” detailed how she is flourishing in prison, thanks in part to bribing the guards and the Nation of Islam.
“You think prison is hard? I have done 68 Hallmark movies. I have seen hell, man” the actress bragged. “And in half those Hallmark movies, I married Santa’s son. So I have lost all sense of reality.”
Davidson’s Avenatti then revealed himself to be in the cell along with them.
“I’m accused of crimes you can’t even conceive of. Like blackmailing a sneaker company, and stealing taxes from a coffee company to fund a racecar team, and I’m so shady that a porn star said she needed to distance herself from me,” the lawyer said. “And you know what the worst part is? I might still run for president. Avenatti/Baldwin 2020.”
Keaton’s Assange, bearded with his white hair ponytailed, then crept into the camera’s view.
“You want to know how crazy I am? Here’s how crazy I am: I’m wanted in the U.S. and Sweden, I’m from Australia, I live in London in Ecuador, you try figuring that one out,” Assange warned. “I’m an actual James Bond supervillain. And I’m one step away from destroying the goddamn moon.”
In one final jailhouse jab, it’s also revealed that rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine is in the cell, quietly dancing by himself in the corner.