With just a few days to go until the midterms, James Austin Johnson opened Saturday Night Live as President Joe Biden shaking up the list of Democrats running for office in favor of candidates who have more drawing power.
“My fellow Americans,” he began. “This Tuesday, our midterm elections will determine the fate of our democracy. And let’s just say: big yikes!”
“We don’t have any stars anymore. Too many Raphael Warnocks and not enough Herschel Walkers,” he continued. “Which is why we’re going to make some last-minute changes before Tuesday with the Democrats who are exciting, got that sizzle. For example: hey, California, sick of Adam Schiff? Meet your next congresswoman. She ran for president back in 2020 and she loves a good crystal. It’s Marianne Williamson!”
The unconventional former candidate, played by Chloe Fineman, said she had caught the American dream in a “Tibetan singing bowl” and would be proud to fight for it.
Next, the president introduced celebrity chef Guy Fieri. “Unlike Dr. Oz, this guy’s got political experience. He was the mayor of ‘flavortown’ for over twenty years!” Fieri, played by Molly Kearney, mocked the Republican Senate candidate for calling his purchase of raw vegetables “crudite.”
Having also called up to the podium “Stormy Daniels,” “Tracey Morgan” and others, POTUS at one point threw shade at conspiracy theories surrounding House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s husband, Paul, while also selling the infrastructure bill that become law last year.
“A lot of you Red-state types finally got broadband internet so you can share your Paul Pelosi gay erotic fiction at light speed,” he said. “By the way: you right-wingers sure do love thinking up these gay little scenarios. Kind of sus!”