The scene: a seedy strip motel in the middle of nowhere. Beef Bellows, a bald man in a long leather coat and a broad sneer is making some moves on a statuesque Goth chick. “You smell so good,” she says, her dead eyes sizing him up. Unfortunately for Beef — and for Baby Beef, as he calls his member — the young lady’s pallor is a matter of function, not fashion. She’s a vampire.
Welcome to Suck, the brainchild of writer-director-star Rob Stefaniuk. It’s the story of an aspiring rock band who don’t have soul, or rather souls (apologies to Brandon Flowers). They have traded them for a chance to become famous. The film’s producer, Jeff Rogers, a former executive with V2 Records, has lured a number of persons who may or may not have struck a similar bargain in real life — Vincent Damon Furnier, James Newell Osterberg, Jr. — to play roles in the film. The former (a.k.a. Alice Cooper) will play the uber vampire, the latter (a.k.a. Iggy Pop) portrays a record company executive.
Henry Rollins is also involved, as a Howard Stern-like shock jock, as well as Alex Lifeson of Rush, Dimitri Coats of Burning Brides and Canada’s own punk sweetheart Carole Pope. There are some actual actors: a certain Malcolm McDowell plays Eddie the Vampire Killer. But perhaps the most surprising cast member is Robert Melville Hall as Beef, the frontman of the Secretaries of Steak, a protein-fueled punk band whose fanatical followers show their appreciation by bombarding them with chunks of meat. The artist known as Moby is as famous for his vegan lifestyle and animal-rights activism. The meat is foam rubber, the blood is raspberry syrup, the leather trench coat is synthetic, the “USDA approved” meat stamp on his neck is a stencil … but on camera he’s just plain mean.
“I’m making a specialty of playing douche bags,” says Moby, during a break. He played one in the film Pittsburgh opposite Jeff Goldblum. “I could spend the rest of my career perfecting the douche bag. It’s the journey not the destination.”
When Moby lets rip, stand back. “I knew he could do it,” says Rogers. “But he is exceeding all expectations.”
“I only have 45 words,” admits Moby. “But they are 45 important words. Then I get eaten.”