And so yet another season of Jersey Shore ends: not with a bang, but with a calm, quiet discussion about how everyone can’t stand you, Mike. Ronnie is dispatched to have a reasoned adult conversation with the Situation regarding the recent revelation that he is the biggest creep in the world ever. Mike responds by threatening not to return to season five in Jersey! Oh no, don’t leave, guy no one can stand to be in the same room with! “I’d rather scoot…scoot,” he mumbles, later seeking comfort from his sister over the phone, from a stone-faced Snooki, anybody. “I thought Snooki would tell me to stay,” Mike admits, though it is in no way clear why on God’s green earth he was under that impression, given how many times he brought up the blowjob she reportedly gave him. The Situation also manages to draw the exact wrong conclusion from his castmates’ icy silence, vowing, “You won’t be able to take advantage of The Situation anymore.” Sighs Deena, “He just wants us to feel bad.” Mission unaccomplished. Mission…unaccomplishable.
Speaking of a plotline that holds no dramatic tension, by the very nature of the season last night’s episode was the series’ most anti-climactic to date. The gang could not wait to get the hell out of Florence and back to the Dirty Jerz. At their “last American meal in Italy,” they decide to sight see, go hard, and then go home. It makes sense that the show would only trot out the beautiful art and architecture of Italy when the cast was too tired and checked out to care. Not that they weren’t always too tired and checked out to care, but you know what I’m saying. “I think the statue of David is pretty sexy. I’d do it,” Deena panted as they ogled a David replica with the help of the kindest, most patient tour guide in the world, Bernardo. At one point Snooki asks if “the babies with wings” depicted in a mural were real. Oh Snooki, they’re real if you believe in them! Just kidding, that question is beyond insane. Luckily, because he draws from a deep well of joviality inaccessible to anyone outside of Florence, Bernardo explains that the cupids are in fact “characters of mythology.” He even manages to say it as if he was responding to a reasonable question one would get asked almost every day on a walking tour. If the aliens ever land and want one decent reason not to blow up the Earth, let’s send them Bernardo, accompanied by all the pigeons who constantly crapped on the Situation’s matching sweatshirts. They are the best we have to offer.
Meanwhile, everyone will miss Marco, some guy who worked at the pizzeria. Apparently they were a little family? That’s interesting to know, I guess. The gang stops by the shop to hang an article of their clothing to remember them by. “I didn’t know Deena wore underwear, to be honest,” Ron says, as she pins up a hot pink thong. “How to you say skid mark?,” Pauly cracks. Oh Pauly. It is you who I will miss the most, in addition to Bernardo.
Despite being plagued with boob sweat, cuca sweat, and ass sweat (the triumverate of sweats!), the Lil’ Meat I & II hit the town like Deena falling on a freshly washed linoleum floor, one last time. “You’re being an annoying,” Deena gripes at a massively drunk girl writhing next to them. At least she and Snooki had the self-reflection necessary to see themselves in her…at least until they realize the girl is sitting on Deena’s purse. “She fucked my clutch!” she gasps. Back at the house, we see the bottoms of Deena’s feet are caked black with filth from walking barefoot in the city. You too, Deena. I’ll kind of miss you too, for the time period I will be able to miss you. And yes, we all truly liked the boobs.
As everyone readies their enormous crap piles for their journey home, Sam and Ron sneak away for a mid-day journey to the smush room, only to emerge five minutes later for an in-house walk of shame. “No wonder Sam never smiles,” Pauly muses. Just killing it, this guy. The gang pack, eat and clean, pack, eat and clean to kill time before they go. “Seeing Nicole cleaning is like seeing Mike with a condom. It just doesn’t happen,” Vinny says. Snooki sticks a vacuum to her face, screaming with laughter, and slides down a slide of mattresses to the front door. The Situation makes breakfasts, and launches a minor campaign of good will. “Mike’s apologies are all bullshit to me. Same shit, different country,” Jenni says. It’s hard to get too worked up about these chuckleheads leaving, seeing as how we know they have another season already in the can. That being said…looking back, if they can bring just one tiny piece of Italy back to the U.S., let it not be the cultural enrichment that comes pushing at the outer limits of the self, nor the knowledge that the David would look better with a fake tan and a dick that wasn’t “soft.” Let it not even be Bernardo, as I don’t think he’d be able to survive, and we don’t deserve him anyway. No, all I ask is that they bring back Pierre, as a tiny reminder of this now-closing chapter. Wait a minute…he’s at the bottom of the Jacuzzi, isn’t he? Deena, go get him out of there!
Last Episode: Nobody Likes the Situation