The Emmy Awards are just one “whyyyyy?” after another. Nothing about this award show makes a lick of sense. Why does it take itself so seriously? Why are the categories so random? (As host Andy Samberg said, “Orange Is the New Black is now officially a drama and Louie is officially jazz.”) Why didn’t Broad City get nominated? Did the voters get their wisdom teeth pulled every day this year? Peg me gently with a chainsaw! In our golden age for award shows, not to mention for TV, why are the Emmys still so dreary to watch? Why are they still doing Cosby jokes? And why is your penis on a dead girl’s phone? (Hey, congratulations, Viola Davis!)
Why was Transparent nominated? Didn’t it already win a bunch of awards like a year ago? Why did Jeffrey Tambor have to give another speech thanking all his “new BFFs” at Amazon, the same new BFFs he thanked at the Golden Globes last winter? If Jeffrey Tambor impregnated me the night he gave this exact same speech at the Golden Globes, our baby would have been born already. (I would have named her “Miley What’s Good Sheffield-Tambor.”) Why did Key get nominated but not Peele? Does Neil DeGrasse Tyson have a cosmic explanation for that one? All 12 episodes of Narcos combined would not supply me with the crack I would need to begin comprehending this award show.
Why did Jon Hamm finally win his first Best Actor Emmy for a role he played brilliantly in 2007? Wouldn’t it have made more sense to give him this award in 2008, 2008, 2009 or 2010? He’s done with that character. He filmed his last Don Draper scenes two years ago and since then he’s rebooted his whole life. Wasn’t it time to give him Best Actor awards back when he was actually the best actor on TV? Were you still having trouble making up your mind about Jon Hamm’s greatness after the scene where he sits on the stairs in an empty house to Dylan’s “Don’t Think Twice It’s All Right,” as the carousel time-machine in his brain reveals he’s completely missed out on his life? You watched that moment and thought, “Not bad, but I’ll require eight years to decide whether I like it. Meanwhile, scoot over here and give me some sugar, Guy Who Starred on The Newsroom!”