Arsenio Hall Wants to Buy the Clippers, Makes Us Irrationally Excited
Donald Sterling isn’t going to relinquish ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers without a fight, which is bad news for the NBA … and anyone else hoping for a quick end to this mess.
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But it’s definitely good news for Arsenio Hall, who just announced plans to purchase the team. See, by his own estimation, Hall needs approximately $1 billion to buy the Clips, and he’s turned to crowd-funding site Indiegogo to help him reach that total. Problem is, to date, he’s raised just $1,200, which means he’s gonna need time to turn his dream into reality.
While some may scoff at his chances, we’re not so quick to dismiss Arsenio here, especially given some of the perks he’s offering to donors: $2,000 gets you a hand-written “Thank You” note, $10,000 buys you a Skype interview with the man himself, and for just $100,000, you can serve as Hall’s co-host on an upcoming episode of his syndicated late-night show, which, we assure you, is still on TV.
In short, Hall’s gonna make this happen (and if he doesn’t, he pledges to donate all funds from the campaign to the NAACP). So here’s what you can expect when he takes ownership of the team next season.
• Attempts to sign Eddie Murphy to a 10-day contract.
• Teaches Donald Sterling an elaborate handshake routine to quell racial tensions.
• Bonds with Clippers’ forward Jared Dudley, who, like the Arsenio Hall Show, is occasionally seen on TV.
• Inducts entire Clippers’ roster into the Dog Pound. A confused JJ Reddick asks if he can be a Pomeranian.
• Introductions at Clippers games now 15-percent longer, due to announcer adding extra “oooo’s” to the end of everybody’s name.
• New weekly segment featuring Doc Rivers giving medical advice is quickly axed, after it is revealed Rivers does not actually have a degree in medicine.
• Shows Hedo Turkoglu the famed fist pump. Turk spends the next month wandering around Los Angeles randomly woofing at strangers.
• Just has Blake Griffin wail on the sax every night.
• Sends scouts to Zamunda on a quest for the next great power forward.
• Inspired by Chris Paul’s State Farm commercials, Hall creates an alter ego of his own: Harsenio, host of a late-night talk show people actually watch.