‘American Idol’ Recap: Master Blaster

Uh oh, Joshua Ledet isn’t feeling well. The singer is light-headed, dizzy and unsteady on his feet, but instead of sending him backstage to mend in private, like a lion in the Serengeti, Ryan Seacrest spots weakness and pounces. He runs to Joshua’s side to ask, “Do you feel like you might pass out?” hoping for some drama to add to this stretched-to-the-limit show.

Ryan teases Joshua, and then makes him watch Jennifer Lopez’s new video. Has he no mercy? The video is for her song “Dance Again,” andshe  says things like “I love to make love to you, baby” and she’s talking to YOU, specifically, obviously. The video is racy and controversial in that J.Lo way. But we don’t get to watch the whole thing, because we have to save room to watch a Coca Cola ad, followed by a Beats by Dre ad featuring Jordin Sparks, and finally a Ford ad. Then we come back from break to another Ford ad where the contestants offer up a lacklustre performance of “We Are Young.” Phillip Phillips looks especially challenged in this ad, but it’s probably because the producers duct-taped his arms to his sides so he couldn’t twitch and writhe while he sang.

Because Joshua’s case of the vapors is the most exciting thing to ever happen on a results show, Ryan forces Joshua back into the spotlight and makes him watch TwitVids from Vietnam. Yes, some American teacher living in Vietnam thinks it’s a good use of class time to get his young students to send Joshua an encouraging video. Maybe Ryan isn’t trying to torment Joshua. Perhaps he thinks the cure for the common cold lies in a combination of TwitVids and overwhelming public attention?

Ryan finally lets Joshua stand for judgment along with Jessica Sanchez. As these two were clearly some of the top performers last night, maybe they’ll let Joshua go home and take a nap soon. Before Joshua can go gentle into that good night Jimmy Iovine has to offer up his two cents about last night’s performance. He thinks it was the perfect song with the perfect delivery and he gives it tens all around. Which would be nice if, you know, the show judged on a numerical scale, and not on Jennifer’s goosies and Randy Jackson’s feeling that someone “wants it” and whatever scent the contestants are giving off to Steven Tyler that night. As for Jessica, Jimmy thinks the song choice wasn’t strong enough for her, but who cares? She’s great. Ryan can’t help but screw with Joshua some more, drawing out his result, “You’re not going to be happy . . . until you can go relax on the couch. You are safe!” Then he teases Jessica a little before sending her to safety as well. It’s pretty clear that Ryan’s correspondence course in sadism is really paying off.

Photos: ‘American Idol’ Season 11

The Wanted are here to show Colton Dixon how it’s done. I can’t think of any other reason they would have been invited on the show. Oh, except for the fact that they are one of the most wildly popular boy bands/signs of the apocalypse. As the overly attractive boys sing “I’m Glad You Came” the stage is invaded by dancers dressed like skank zombies, who apparently aren’t repelled by hair gel, nor, I’m guessing, Axe Body Spray.

Aww, that guy from The Finder is contractually obligated to sit in the audience and watch this malarkey. Go, Fox cross-promotion! He claps very enthusiastically when they show the trailer for his show. Ryan calls up “Islands in the Stream” duo Skylar Laine and Colton. Jimmy thinks Skylar was great, that her Bette Midler impersonation took her from the bottom straight to the top, and he claims she could win the whole thing. If she doesn’t win, then at least she undoubtedly spawned a whole fleet of drag performers aching to get their press-on nails into her country rendition of “Wind Beneath My Wings.” Jimmy wasn’t a huge fan of Colton’s performance last night. It wasn’t bad, per se, he was just out-sung, by everyone, including the stage props, but excluding Hollie Cavanagh. Ryan sends both of them to the couch to think about what they’ve done, because they are both safe.

Ryan then calls Hollie and Deandre Brackensick up to be insulted by Jimmy. He thinks these two will be fighting it out to see who is packing to go home. He completely disagrees with the judges’ assessment of Deandre’s performance last night. He thought Deandre was terrible and should be in the bottom three. Sadly, America agrees, and Deandre is in the bottom. Jimmy didn’t enjoy Hollie’s performance either, and neither did the voters. Hollie is sent to the Stools of Sadness, which she deserves. It’s only tragic because she is actually dressed age-appropriately for once.

Idol alum Kellie Pickler returns to the stage that made her a star to sing her latest song, “Where’s Tammy Wynette.” She doesn’t answer the question, but the performance isn’t half bad. It’s all bad! Just kidding.

Jimmy was unimpressed with Phillip’s performance on last night’s show. He thinks Phillip is taking it easy and getting complacent. Phil-Phil shrugs off Jimmy’s remarks, muttering, “I don’t go around on stage and try to touch people’s hands. That’s not me. I’m just trying to play music.” Jimmy defends Elise Testone‘s song choice, but her performance was terrible. He claims she choked. Elise looks troubled, I think. She is wearing a beaded headband, Olivia Newton John-style, and it’s a little distracting. Phillip is safe, of course, and Elise is, once again, in the bottom three. Ryan comes to loom over the bottom three and remind them that one of them will be singing for their lives. But it won’t be Hollie, because she is safe. Oh, America, I’m not sure what you see in that girl. To be fair, she looks as shocked as I do by the announcement.

Ryan eventually gets around to announcing that Elise is safe and 17-year-old Deandre is up for elimination. Will the judges use their save for Deandre? No, they won’t. J.Lo tells him that she voted to save him, but she only has one vote against the other two big meanies. Skylar and Hollie try not to ugly-cry on stage. It’s a rough night for fans of falsetto singing, hair-whipping and high-energy aerobics performed on stage to an El Debarge beat. Deandre was eliminated while his sister wept hysterically in the audience, Deandre did America and, more importantly, Jennifer Lopez proud by wailing out one last high note on Stevie Wonder’s “Master Blaster.” J.Lo is going to be really sad not to have her adorable little pet around any longer. 

Come back next week to see if Hollie will ever be kicked off the show.

Last episode: What, a Feeling?