Remember: He asked for this. Justin Bieber made no bones about his desire to be roasted in a public forum for months – an odd choice for a guy who is fried by the tabloid press with startling regularity. But truly, who can understand all the mysteries of the Biebs? So per request, Comedy Central delivered with a star-studded bash for the pop singer-cum-enfant-terrible — emphasis on the “bash” — and finally aired the results last night.
Although most people associate roasts with colleagues and loved ones taking a cherished pal down a peg or two, all done in good fun, Bieber was upbraided by a motley crew of familiar faces, all with their knives out and their tongues sharp. The beleaguered Canadian probably doesn’t spend the majority of his off-time hanging with the likes of Jeff Ross, Hannibal Buress, Natasha Leggero, Snoop Dogg, Shaquille O’Neal, Will Ferrell or Martha Stewart, which means that the network essentially hired a bunch of famous strangers to say mean things to someone (and occasionally each other) that they don’t really know, all as part of a televised event. Once again: the kid insisted on this.
So did it hurt? You better Beliebe it did. Here are some of the night’s funniest, did-they-actually-just-say-that?! lines.
1. Kevin Hart: “He’s got a perfume called Girlfriend. That’s not gangster, Justin!”
Roastmaster Kevin Hart took great pleasure in enumerating the many ways in which Bieber is not a gangster, from nearly getting punched by Orlando Bloom to throwing eggs as retaliation against a particularly unfriendly neighbor — but all he really needed to do was remind us of Bieber’s perfume line. (He also has a scent called “Someday,” Kevin. We can’t make this stuff up.)
2. Pete Davidson: “Soul Plane was the worst experience of my life involving a plane.”
The newbie Saturday Night Live star made this crack mere seconds after reminding the audience that his firefighter father died on 9/11. Immediately after that joke, a cameraman panned to an audience member who appeared to be actually crying. He probably should have saved his tears for this one.
3. Ludacris: “You’re not tough, Justin. I’m here to let you know, man. I know you’ve been on Ellen 14 times. You act so much like a pussy on the show, Ellen tried to eat you.”
Kevin Hart gave this joke a standing ovation.
4. Natasha Leggero: “Kevin has a Napoleon complex. Kevin, Napoleon was the leader of France. Ludacris, France is in Europe. Justin, Europe’s a continent. Shaq, a continent is not a free breakfast.”
The comedienne managed to knock down three whole roasters and the roastee in less than a minute, with a nifty historical lesson thrown in for good measure. Cue Rudy clap.