You've got to hand it to Tom Brady: He's making the most of his four-game "Deflategate" ban.
While he cools his heels (or prepares his appeal), the Patriots' quarterback is releasing the TB12 Nutrition Manual, a deluxe "living document" – don't call it a cookbook – that reveals the secrets of Brady's heavily regimented diet plan and comes complete with "89 seasonally-inspired recipes that you can use to support your TB12-alligned nutrition plan." Sounds, uh, delicious.
Given that Tom Terrific is involved, this is no mere book. It's printed on "thick 100-pound text paper," features "covers made from natural wood" and comes branded with "a laser-etched TB12 logo and title." To the best of our knowledge, the $200 price tag is not etched by a laser.
Brady's book won't ship until early June – sorry, Pats fans, the initial printing has already sold out – but Rolling Stone was able to obtain a copy early, and we're revealing some of those "seasonally-inspired recipes" right now. Because while Tom has plenty of time on his hands, we know you can't wait to get in the kitchen and start cooking.
- Cream of Gronk Soup
- Dunkin' Donuts (like, literally a box of Dunkin' Donuts)
- Donald Trump's 'Build a Wall' Mexican Surprise
- Something with all those leftover UGGs
- A football-shaped soufflé, slowly deflated by a nefarious equipment manager as part of an elaborate scheme
- Cleft-chin casserole with Tom's special ridiculously handsome sauce
- Giselle's Master Cleanse – lemons, cayenne pepper and an inherent sense of superiority
- Some kind of clam-based chowder
- A life-sized Roger Goodell effigy, which shall be burned
- Bill Belichick's Signature Surly Steak
- A tube of raw cookie dough, to be consumed while wearing boxer shorts and staring vacantly into the refrigerator during Tom's four-game suspension