Following a Super Tuesday that was dominated by Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, Stephen Colbert hopped back on The Late Show‘s “Road to the White House” to examine the results, or as he called it, “My God, What Have We Done? Wednesday.”
On the Democratic side, Colbert noted that while Bernie Sanders won a handful of the more liberal-minded states like Colorado and Vermont, low voter turnout helped Hillary Clinton sweep in delegate-rich states like Texas, Georgia and Virginia. “Evidently, a lot of people who were feeling the Bern got cooled down by some Preparation H,” Colbert joked, with Clinton’s “H” logo covering up Sanders’ campaign pin.
As for the Republicans, Trump set himself even further away from the pack – “It looks like Trump might have the nomination in the palm of his tiny, wet, pink hand” – but Colbert noted that Cruz was “the biggest winner of last night’s losers.” “[Cruz] managed to take home victories in Texas, Diet Texas and Snow Texas,” Colbert said, referring to Oklahoma and Alaska. “That puts Cruz ahead of Marco Rubio, his top rival in the race to be the final candidate to pass through Donald Trump’s digestive tract.”
After teasing Marco Rubio and John Kasich for their blasé efforts to win Super Tuesday, Colbert circled back to Trump. “Now, traditionally, when the clear nominee emerges, the party rallies behind him,” the host said. “But now there’s some doubt whether the party will ever be enthusiastic about Donald Trump, but for all those fears that are out there, every single one of them were laid to rest last night by former rival Chris Christie’s joyous and energetic introduction of Trump at the victory rally.” Cut to video of Christie dying inside. “Chris Christie is sort of like the best man at a wedding he never believed in, and now it’s too late to stop,” Colbert said.