Of all the indignities suffered by U.S. presidents during their time in office, pardoning a Thanksgiving turkey may be the most embarrassing of all. The leader of the free world is obliged to crack jokes so bad not even their own flesh and blood can pretend to enjoy them.
That’s why it’s so unfair that we will only have the pleasure of watching one of this cycle’s presidential hopefuls endure this humiliating ritual two years from now.
Happily, the conservative website IJ.com has blessed us with three “practice” presidential pardons, performed by Republican candidates Carly Fiorina, Marco Rubio and Ben Carson. Go for it, America: Gaze upon these three still equally probable futures (Schrodinger’s turkey, if you will).
We only wish they had gotten Trump too, although it’s easy to imagine how that would’ve gone. “I’ve just negotiated a stay of execution for my good friend, this turkey, who — and many people agree with me about this — is truly one of the most fantastic turkeys of all time.”