1. You’re negotiating a debt ceiling increase with President Obama over lunch when he offers you some of his fries. They look delicious. You:
a. Take a giant handful and shove them in your mouth, never breaking eye contact.
b. Take one fry, spit on it, and put it back on his plate.
c. Instruct your chief of staff to flip the president’s plate off the table.
d. Trick question: you would never meet the president to discuss raising the debt ceiling.
2. The purpose of the House Select Committee on Benghazi is to:
a. Hold President Obama accountable for doing Benghazi.
b. Hold Hillary Clinton accountable for doing Benghazi.
c. Win in 2016.
d. [said on camera, with a straight face] Get to the bottom of the terrible September 11, 2012 tragedy that cost the lives of four brave American heroes. We’ll thoroughly investigate the facts no matter where they lead and deliver an honest, nonpartisan assessment of what went wrong and how to prevent such tragedies in the future.
3. What step would you take to protect Americans’ religious liberties?
a. Ban same-sex marriage.
b. Ban birth control.
c. Ban pornography.
d. Ban Islam.
4. The members of the House Freedom Caucus are:
a. An important voice representing authentic conservative American values.
b. The natural inheritors of our Founding Fathers’ legacy.
c. A bulwark against creeping liberalism from all corners.
d. A goddamned nightmare.
5. You’re on Fox News when your close personal friend Sean Hannity says “if you think about it, President Obama is worse than Hitler.” You say:
a. Nothing, but nod sagely in agreement.
b. “Well they’re certainly both liberal extremists.”
c. “I’ll launch a select committee to look into that.”
d. “You know Sean, I have quite a few Jewish friends who would agree with you there.”
6. President Obama vows to veto any budget that defunds Planned Parenthood. You:
a. Pass a budget that defunds Planned Parenthood.
b. Pass a budget that defunds Planned Parenthood, and hold a press conference on the east lawn of the Capitol.
c. Pass a budget that defunds Planned Parenthood, hold a press conference on the east lawn of the Capitol, and hold up a giant photo of a dismembered fetus.
d. Pass a budget that defunds Planned Parenthood, hold a press conference on the east lawn of the Capitol, hold up a giant photo of a dismembered fetus and announce your candidacy for the Republican nomination for president.
7. You need just three more votes to pass an extremely important motion to table an amendment to the underlying bill expressing the sentiment of the House concerning a multilateral trade deal. How do you get the votes you need?
a. Fight club.
b. Make a deal with Nancy Pelosi but make her double-super-secret pinkie swear never to tell anyone.
c. Promise recalcitrant Republicans you’ll bring up a Constitutional requiring mandatory gun ownership.
d. Send Louie Gohmert a package of loose meats.
8. The prime minister of Japan said something complimentary about President Obama. You take swift action by:
a. Banning sushi from the House cafeteria.
b. Banning chopsticks from the House cafeteria.
c. Renaming soy sauce “Liberty Juice” in the House cafeteria.
d. Doing nothing. The House cafeteria has only served chili since the day you assumed the Speakership.
9. The Dow plunges 6,000 points, the price of gas skyrockets to $4.50 a gallon, and banks start foreclosing on homes en masse. How do you propose addressing this sudden economic crisis?
a. Support job creators by eliminating the estate tax.
b. Support job creators by eliminating corporate taxes.
c. Support job creators by reducing the top income tax rate.
d. Support job creators by eliminating sales tax on yachts, private planes and Cuban cigars.
10. President Obama was born in: