Saturday night was the annual Gridiron dinner, where politicians and media get together to rub elbows and pretend that politicians’ jokes are funny. Featured at this year’s dinner were Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Amy Klobuchar (D-MN), Sen. Joe Kennedy (R-LA), and Ivanka Trump, who attended in place of her father. Trump cancelled his appearance last-minute after his marathon, crazypants speech at CPAC that afternoon.
Here are some of the “funniest” jokes and one-liners from the evening.
- “When my father asked me just this afternoon to represent him tonight—no, this isn’t a joke—to represent him tonight, I didn’t have time to write any jokes. I feared that the funniest thing I could do was read you excerpts from the Green New Deal.”
- On being Trump’s daughter: “The press seems to think it’s ironic that I, born of great privilege, think people want to work for what they are given. As if being Donald Trump’s daughter isn’t the hardest job in the world.”
Sen. Amy Klobuchar
- Referencing the story about her eating a salad with a comb: “How did everyone like the salad? I thought it was OK, but it needed just a bit of scalp oil and a pinch of dandruff, would be a little better.”
- On Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh: “All I know is, if the election ends up before the Supreme Court. I’m gonna count Brett Kavanaugh as a no.” (Klobuchar got into a contentious exchange with Kavanaugh during his confirmation hearing.)
- On her campaign: ″In the end, how can I lose? My campaign will combine the short peppy speeches of Joe Biden, the common touch of Mike Bloomberg, the collegiality of Ted Cruz and the chipper upbeat personality of Bernie Sanders.”
Sen. Joe Kennedy
- On the media: “They call me folksy. I think that means they’re surprised I have a college degree… I like ’em, and I trust ’em. I trust ’em — like gas station sushi. I trust ’em like Bill Cosby as the bartender.”
- “You know why Alabama raised the drinking age to 32? They wanted to keep alcohol out of the high schools.”
- On the Super Bowl: “If I had wanted to watch guys failing to score for three hours, I’d have taken Ted Cruz and Bernie Sanders to a singles bar.”
Oof. That was rough. Be glad this wasn’t televised so at least we don’t have to watch their undoubtedly terrible delivery of these zingers.