Just wanted to drop you a quick note to let you know how deeply disappointed I am in you this morning. Of all the candidates hoping to displace The Rationalist Compromiser from the Oval Office, I gave you the best shot. I tapped your name into my new Predestiny app and cleared the path for you. Why? Because I thought you were the one who got me, really got me, in a way that few of the seven billion or so souls on your little planet really do. I thought you were my girl.
Initially, when I logged onto the St. Petersburg Times website and read the account of your rally the other day in Florida (I missed the rally itself; was too busy deciding which vice-ridden communities to cleanse with the floodwaters of Hurricane Irene), I was beaming with pride.
This is what you said: “I don’t know how much God has to do to get the attention of the politicians. We’ve had an earthquake; we’ve had a hurricane. He said, ‘Are you going to start listening to me here?’ Listen to the American people because the American people are roaring right now. They know government is on a morbid obesity diet and we’ve got to rein in the spending.”
This is exactly right! And you alone had the wisdom to see it and the courage to say it out loud. You alone know how concerned I am with Satan’s presence in Washington D.C. Those evil — and I don’t use this word lightly! — men and women who run your fallen nation have no respect for the virtues of thrift and sacrifice. Even more upsetting to me, they fail to see the majesty and power of My creations. They continue to believe in all that scientific nonsense that Satan has invented to undermine my power, such as the idea that events like Hurricane Irene are intensified by the burning of fossil fuels. True believers know that the weather is like email for me — it’s how I communicate with you each day (sunshine means I’m happy!). And it is how I signal my approval or disapproval of your moral character as a nation, as well as your devotion to me. Even your rival Rick Perry — not my finest creation, I’ll admit — understands that if you want rain, you must pray.
But now I read that you were just joking about these remarks. You, of all people, know this is not a joke. You of all people know how worried I am about your country. So how am I to interpret this? A lack of courage? A lack of faith? Is this part of some new plot you have recently hatched to defeat the Rationalist Compromiser? If so, please discuss with me in prayer ASAP.
Look forward to hearing from you soon,