Like many of us, Stephen Colbert suffered through Wednesday’s GOP debate, and like many of us, he would like to purge the memory of it from his mind forever. But, employed as he is in the late-night television industry, Colbert is contractually obligated to comment on the events.
So on Thursday, with some reluctance, Colbert goaded the CNBC moderators for their poor selection of questions, Ted Cruz for positioning himself as democracy’s designated driver, and Chris Christie for New Jersey, in general.
The single bit of praise Colbert had to offer was reserved for the candidate who saved him from having to make more jokes about the debate than already had: Donald Trump.
“Much like the campaign season itself, [Wednesday] night felt like an unending slog and, believe it or not, it could have been even unending-er if it wasn’t for the heroic action taken by the knight in shining bronzer,” Colbert said.
Cut to Trump: “These folks, CNBC, they had it down at three, three-and-a-half hours. I went out and said, ‘It’s ridiculous. I could stand up here all night. Nobody wants to watch three-and-a-half or three hours.'”
He continued, in classic Trump style, “We called in, we said, ‘That’s it! We’re not doing it,’ and in about two minutes I renegotiated down to two hours so we can get the hell out of here. Not bad. Not bad.”
That was all the Late Show host needed to hear. “WOO! TRUMP 2016! Donald, you saved us from another hour and a half of that debate! You truly are a great leader, and you have earned my vote as long as you can negotiate your presidency down from four years to — you know, two hours feels about right.”